Suitors

If you are pursuing a maiden of great beauty or wealth you will have to compete with others, this is a reality of everyone's life. But, there are certain strategies one might use to prevail over the other men, your competition, who will from here forth be referred to as Chlothar, Rignomer, and Otho. If it is permitted, I would like walk through a hypothetical situation:

Pretend you have followed the object of your affection to her home in an attempt to play her tunes on your lyre, effectively wooing her and making her forever yours, only to have that perfidious, snake-bastard Chlothar show up on his damned Arabian steed that you could never afford because father has a gambling problem. You need not fret, first you must assess the situation. Do you look a fool with your second-hand lyre standing next to Chlothar's beautifully groomed stallion and his Italian finery? It is likely. The odds are stacked against your favor, which calls for dramatic actions. Strike Chlothar's steed in the hind-quarters with the side of your sword, it will panic the horse and it shall flee. Chlothar will swear vengeance, but fuck Chlothar. If his animal is of good German stock, consider yourself beaten; you must find another maiden. Likely one of low birth, since you have effectively been reduced to the status of a lout by failing to beat Chlothar.

So, Chlothar has been dispatched, leaving you to strum at your lyre beneath the window of your beloved. Alas! Rignomer has been dawned by the staccato abrasion of your lyre shredding and he is accompanied by his flute. The man is a master flautist; his gentle harmonies could win the heart of any young lass and he has challenged you to a musical show-down! A collective gasp emanates from all present. If you accept his invitation, you shall lose, perhaps even die, but if you refuse it, you will be a coward; your would-be love will spit upon you and curse your very name. This is undesirable if your goal is to win her heart. I must admit, it is a difficult situation to remedy, but there is a solution! You must not abide by the rules of his musical challenging. When he is about to put the flute to his lips, it is crucial that you strike him one the dome of his skull with your axe. Cleft the skull in twain. Reckless displays of violence will dissuade future suitors.

Unfortunately, the brazen and aggressive youth, Otho, has not been scared off. The commotion involved in splitting the head of an effeminate flautist has drawn him out of his home, ready for a fight. You can't merely duel with him, another will take his place, rather, it is imperative that he be incapacitated. When this is completed you must make an example of his household. Molest his draft animals. Enslave his cousins. Throw the parents in your dungeon. Do whatever it takes to cripple the bastard Otho and scare off any more suitors.

So, what have we learned from this little scenario? It is important to not only strike first at other men, but to strike as hard as possible to incapacitate any future effort on their part to steal any of your women-folk. There is no such thing as excess when dealing with a rival.

Heed my advice, young reader.

Also, I would like to formally welcome the great sage Zoroaster Jones to this guide. His wisdom will provide a worthy and invaluable addition. The man is unmatched in his perceptions. Follow his eternal words and you are sure to "Get fly bitches." God speed Zoroaster!