Heirs

I am making good on a promise that I made in my initial introduction, that is, I mentioned that I would impart wisdom about how to choose an heir. Indeed, I am skipping several steps; wedding etiquette, fornication, etc. They will be covered later, but I feel that right now  I have to cover selecting an heir.

I have yet to force my main wife to bear a child intended to succeed me. I can't stand children, their voices are of a certain frequency that my brain cannot process the information that they spew, rather my senses degrade, I spiral into madness and begin stomping out fires. It is my understanding that my particular reaction to the voice of a child is rather irrational and cannot have formed to serve any useful purpose. With that said, I do realize the importance of an heir. When I die, I need the land tracts of the Godslayer family to be passed on to someone worthy, for if it were annexed by the porcine sodomite living several leagues to the south, my soul would weep for eternity. Outlined here is the optimum means to churn out a worthy heir:

An heir needs to be strong and groomed for the position from birth. You need to understand that a rigorous process goes into not just picking an heir, but bringing him (yes, I said, "him," deal with it) up properly. The process begins as the baby is passing out of your good ladies vagina-good-times-life-tunnel.

It is important to release a hen in the room; if it is attracted to the after-birth, you must cast a dagger at the child. If the dagger strikes the child and death follows, you will need to make your wife conceive again. If the dagger misses the child, you may permit the child to live, but only begrudgingly. At the age of 2, place the toddler at the bottom of a dried well, if they escape, continue the process, if they do not and die in the well, you must make your wife conceive again. If the child blocks or grasps the dagger, continue the process. If a fawn can run minutes after birth, a good baby should be able to block a dagger within the same time span.

If the hen is not attracted to the after-birth, your baby has been born under good auspices. You should continue the process of raising the child, unless the released hen suffers from a cardiovascular disease. In which case, you ought to seat the child between two stones shaped like St. Augustine,16 hours after birth. You must withhold nourishment from the child for the next 20 hours, if the child is still alive after that time has elapsed, then he has indeed been born under good auspices.

At the age of four, strip your child down to his loincloth and send him into the woods. He must come back with the head of a full-grown boar (the child in the picture is there merely for scale purposes, my wife did not allow such a foul, presumably overweight, youth to creep from the depths of her loins, clad in horizontal stripes and an unbecoming hat).

If the child fails to return, you must make your wife conceive again. If the child returns with the head of an adolescent boar, chastise the child. Withhold nourishment for 20 hours and then send him back into the woods to bring back the head of a full-grown boar. When the child returns with the trophy, reward him with with a cord of wood and continue the process of raising the child.

At the age of five, you must test the mental fortitude of your child. In the dead of night, enter his room, cast stones and mathematical problems at his sleeping form. When he has solved the problems and cleaned the stones, retire for the evening. The following week, enter his room again at the same time. Begin casting stones, but this time accompany the stones with word-puzzles and riddles. When he has solved the word puzzles and riddles, retire for the night. The next week, enter his room, again, in the dead of night, but, instead of casting stones, remove the child from the room and place him in your cellar. Leave the child there for a fortnight. Feed him only fungus, let him ascertain which are toxic and edible. After a fortnight, if the child still stirs, remove him from the cellar and continue the process of raising him. If the child has perished, you must make you wife conceive again.

At the age of eight, your child should be able to bench press at least 150 pounds and do 50 push-ups in a minute (that's not even a push-up per second). If your child cannot do this, he must be abandoned in the desert and you must make your wife conceive again.

At the age of ten, your child must meet your enemy in combat for the first time. He must bring you the signet ring of your opposing lord, the ears of his bishop, the scalps of his children, the uterus of his finest mare, and the finest family crest he can locate. The ring is prove he defeated your enemy. The ears of the bishop to prove he destroyed the enemy of the true Church. The scalps of his children to prove that he can destroy the heirs of another. And the uterus of a fine mare for the realms necromancers to concoct spells to tell the future. On his return, he must face ordeal by fire. Allow him to place his hand into the hearth of a fire, when he retracts it unscathed, he is surely a worthy heir. If he retracts it with a severe burn, he must be abandoned in the desert and you must make your wife conceive again.

At twelve, you must battle your child. If you have raised him properly, the child should defeat you and take your place as head of the family.

It's the only way.

Heed my advice, young reader.