The Selection Process

When I was a young man, I spent much of my time in a city on the Dardanelles chasing young maidens. I was not considering a spouse at the time, rather I was trying to deflower babes, and a good thing too! Had I taken one of those women as a wife, I would have been the worse for it. 

There were a number of characteristics one should look for in a wife:

-How many pounds of fodder is the woman capable of hefting?
-Does her family have a history of strong backs?
-Approximately how winters could she survive on just rye bread and eggs?
-How many head of cattle does her family own?
-Is she promised to another man?
-Has a clergyman ever chastised one of her families members for any particular religious transgression?

These were all critical details that, in my youth, I was entirely ignorant of. For instance, on one occasion, I found myself in the company of a dainty heathen, perhaps of eastern stock; entirely useless in kitchen or field, yet I would not have considered these important attributes since I was plagued with bad judgment; ruled by the whims of my dreams of lusty conquest. She had clearly been raised in the city, completely oblivious to the life of privilege she was living. For several days I cavorted with her, realized my error, and left to never speak with her again. Her incapacity to live a life of industry was sickening.

It is with these details in mind that I move forward to give suitable advice. It is crucial that youths today not make the same mistake that I did. Had I known better, I would have immediately left for the countryside to quest for a wife. Indeed, the countryside is dangerous, one never knows what variety of brigand one might run into. Not but a fortnight ago a bandit attempted to make off with one of my most valuable ewes; I was fortunate enough to have my dogs tear him to shreds (let that be a lesson to you all!). What is important about searching for a wife in a rural setting is their breeding; it's pure. Family lines have not been tainted with infidel blood, rather lords have been breeding their daughters with that of their lordly neighbors, keeping a close eye on the good pedigree of their families. One can inherit a mighty lot flock from a wealthy family, I would recommend starting with women of that sort in your courting rituals.

I know what you're thinking, "I already have a chief wife, but lately I've been looking for a concubine or perhaps a secondary wife to fulfill some roles around the house that my main wife has trouble with." Indeed, some men have such a voracious sexual appetite, one woman could never suffice. To that I say, "Good on you Sir! And God speed!" Secondary wives are of lesser importance, so they can be found in much greater numbers. Once, when my neighbor Chlothar was harassing me, I said to him,"Chlothar, if you do not desist in taking wood from my forest and fish from my stream I will let you taste the steel of my blade!" And what did the knave say in response? Nothing but a bold challenge! He told me that it was his right to take from his lesser, the bastard! That night, I assembled my finest men and we razed his town to the ground. We sold the men and children into slavery and took the women for ourselves. It was from there that I received my finest secondary wife. She is a thing of exquisite beauty that I keep confined to my tower.

Heed my advice young readers!