Heirs

I am making good on a promise that I made in my initial introduction, that is, I mentioned that I would impart wisdom about how to choose an heir. Indeed, I am skipping several steps; wedding etiquette, fornication, etc. They will be covered later, but I feel that right now  I have to cover selecting an heir.

I have yet to force my main wife to bear a child intended to succeed me. I can't stand children, their voices are of a certain frequency that my brain cannot process the information that they spew, rather my senses degrade, I spiral into madness and begin stomping out fires. It is my understanding that my particular reaction to the voice of a child is rather irrational and cannot have formed to serve any useful purpose. With that said, I do realize the importance of an heir. When I die, I need the land tracts of the Godslayer family to be passed on to someone worthy, for if it were annexed by the porcine sodomite living several leagues to the south, my soul would weep for eternity. Outlined here is the optimum means to churn out a worthy heir:

An heir needs to be strong and groomed for the position from birth. You need to understand that a rigorous process goes into not just picking an heir, but bringing him (yes, I said, "him," deal with it) up properly. The process begins as the baby is passing out of your good ladies vagina-good-times-life-tunnel.

It is important to release a hen in the room; if it is attracted to the after-birth, you must cast a dagger at the child. If the dagger strikes the child and death follows, you will need to make your wife conceive again. If the dagger misses the child, you may permit the child to live, but only begrudgingly. At the age of 2, place the toddler at the bottom of a dried well, if they escape, continue the process, if they do not and die in the well, you must make your wife conceive again. If the child blocks or grasps the dagger, continue the process. If a fawn can run minutes after birth, a good baby should be able to block a dagger within the same time span.

If the hen is not attracted to the after-birth, your baby has been born under good auspices. You should continue the process of raising the child, unless the released hen suffers from a cardiovascular disease. In which case, you ought to seat the child between two stones shaped like St. Augustine,16 hours after birth. You must withhold nourishment from the child for the next 20 hours, if the child is still alive after that time has elapsed, then he has indeed been born under good auspices.

At the age of four, strip your child down to his loincloth and send him into the woods. He must come back with the head of a full-grown boar (the child in the picture is there merely for scale purposes, my wife did not allow such a foul, presumably overweight, youth to creep from the depths of her loins, clad in horizontal stripes and an unbecoming hat).

If the child fails to return, you must make your wife conceive again. If the child returns with the head of an adolescent boar, chastise the child. Withhold nourishment for 20 hours and then send him back into the woods to bring back the head of a full-grown boar. When the child returns with the trophy, reward him with with a cord of wood and continue the process of raising the child.

At the age of five, you must test the mental fortitude of your child. In the dead of night, enter his room, cast stones and mathematical problems at his sleeping form. When he has solved the problems and cleaned the stones, retire for the evening. The following week, enter his room again at the same time. Begin casting stones, but this time accompany the stones with word-puzzles and riddles. When he has solved the word puzzles and riddles, retire for the night. The next week, enter his room, again, in the dead of night, but, instead of casting stones, remove the child from the room and place him in your cellar. Leave the child there for a fortnight. Feed him only fungus, let him ascertain which are toxic and edible. After a fortnight, if the child still stirs, remove him from the cellar and continue the process of raising him. If the child has perished, you must make you wife conceive again.

At the age of eight, your child should be able to bench press at least 150 pounds and do 50 push-ups in a minute (that's not even a push-up per second). If your child cannot do this, he must be abandoned in the desert and you must make your wife conceive again.

At the age of ten, your child must meet your enemy in combat for the first time. He must bring you the signet ring of your opposing lord, the ears of his bishop, the scalps of his children, the uterus of his finest mare, and the finest family crest he can locate. The ring is prove he defeated your enemy. The ears of the bishop to prove he destroyed the enemy of the true Church. The scalps of his children to prove that he can destroy the heirs of another. And the uterus of a fine mare for the realms necromancers to concoct spells to tell the future. On his return, he must face ordeal by fire. Allow him to place his hand into the hearth of a fire, when he retracts it unscathed, he is surely a worthy heir. If he retracts it with a severe burn, he must be abandoned in the desert and you must make your wife conceive again.

At twelve, you must battle your child. If you have raised him properly, the child should defeat you and take your place as head of the family.

It's the only way.

Heed my advice, young reader.

On the Compatibility of Advice

Seekers,

Some of you might be asking, "Zoroaster Jones, if your most righteous antecedent taught to seek truth and goodness, how can you share a blog with one who teaches others to cleave skulls?"

The Righteous Zoroaster says, "Therefore, let none of you listen to the messages and teachings of the wrongful, because he brings danger and destruction to the house, settlement, district and land, Therefore, correct him with weapons."

Blaow.

I'll repeat that, "correct him with weapons." If other men are trying to bust in on your woman, you must correct him with weapons. For example, certainly any thinking person knows that flautists are extremely territorial and thus, when one weds a maiden, he will initiate conflict with the other flautists in the area in order to establish his own territory. Therefore by cleaving his skull before he has the chance, you are preventing him from bringing danger and destruction to the house, settlement, district and land.

Indeed, the Wu also advocates the use of violence. In the words of Raekwon the Chef, "Yo nigga respect mine or anger the tech nine..." and as the RZA says, "Killa beez all over your fuckin planet/ Thirty-six chambers of death/ Three-hundred and sixty degrees of perfected styles/ Choppin off your motherfuckin dome..." and finally as the late ODB warned, "Shame on a nigga who try to run game on a nigga/ Wu buck wild with the trigger!" Certainly the suitors discussed in Master Godslayer's epistle were trying "...to run game on a nigga..." and thus had to face Master Godslayer who is "buck wild with the trigger," or, in this case, the axe.

In terms of the most esteemed Sir Northfist the Godslayer's advice concerning the burning of a stable in order to impress a most amiable spouse, Zoroaster would likely smile upon this for fire is considered a materialization of the divine. So, by burninating a stable for a possible mate, Northfist was displaying his intention to pursue aša by engaging in the act of creation.

It is my sincerest hope that I have managed to explain away any perceived conflicts between Northfist's advice and my own. But if you, the readers, are still not convinced I say unto you,"Fuck right off or else risk having your motherfucking dome chopped off, or your stable burned."

The Hunt

Once, a man approached me and said, "Sir, I long to track down a fair maiden of my own, but I have been confined to a barracks for most of my life. Where might I begin my search for a woman?" What follows is my response, verbatim:

If you read any piece of literature on the nature of animalia, there are certain patterns that one can exploit when seeking anything with a beating heart. Indeed, if it is a woman you want, you must learn to think as a woman does. To begin, seek them at sources of fresh water, preferably at dawn and/or dusk. Most women enjoy the cover of darkness when they go about their routines, since the mid-day sun is not beating down upon their backs, making them weary and lethargic. There is no sport in pursuing an exhausted woman, it's dishonorable. You could just as soon have one lashed to a stake, merely waiting for you to take them at your own leisure. But what would your kin think of that? It would be frowned upon, you would be disowned and shamed. But I digress, the absence of a sun also provides protection from predators who have poor vision during twilight hours, another desirable characteristic of coming out after sun-down.

If you have had the misfortune of not being able to find a woman at any of your local watering-holes or rivers (perhaps it's the dry season or maybe the women in your area are just partial to licking the dew off of the grass in the morning), there are other strategies you may want to pursue. They seem to be partial to the flavor of salt. In the past, I have used that in order to lure them to me. It's a brilliant strategy and well-regarded as an effective technique. Although it may be hearsay, it is also my understanding that dousing oneself with urine is another good way to attract females, especially if they're in heat (often around the fall season).

If that fails, one could always wait until a winter season. When snow blankets the ground, one gains access to a whole new dimension in the process of discovering a woman in that it becomes quite easy to track them. Most anything with a footprint is bound to leave tracks whilst walking through snow and these tracks are fairly easy to read. One can tell direction based on the orientation of the print, the weight of the creature, based on how deep the foot sank in the snow, and how old the tracks are by looking at how much new snow has collected in the indentation since it was made. Indeed, winter also increases visibility in forests, what with the foliage falling from the trees come autumn (*important note* this only applies if you have the privilege of living near a wooded area predominately populated with deciduous trees), and most of the animals that dwell in the woods become quite desperate for food since they're no longer able to graze in lush meadows (said meadows are usually buried in aforementioned snow). It should be no problem whatsoever to draw an emaciated woman out of the woods if you leave some fodder out over night.

At last, when I was finished my response, I assured the young man that, if he could not abide by these simple practices, he might as well vow celibacy and enter a monastery. We shared a hearty laugh and parted.

Unfortunately, I gave this advice after my first stroke. What I had been referring to was the red deer (behold it's magnificence!):

I found out a few lunar cycles later that my acquaintance had been mauled to death in the woods by a marauding pack of wolves that smelled the rank stench of human urine all over his clothing as he was staking out a rather scenic swamp in the wilderness. The wolves must have assumed that, in a state of panic, he had soiled himself, and would make easy prey. Nonetheless, there is a lesson to be learned here; one should entirely disregard the advice that I had given that particular young man. I don't think young women actually do come out at dusk to sip gingerly from any bodies of fresh water. I am also dubious about whether they find the smell of urine attractive. I suppose the part about tracking during winter months is still relevant though.

Heed my advice, young reader!

Vaginal Domination

People and intercourse go together like Saxons and barbarism. Being potent during the act of coitus is important, but, what many don't consider is the importance of making sure everyone knows that you wield your penis like a two-handed sword imbued with magic so potent, it could cut through the flesh and bones of fifty infidels without dulling.

"But I have saved myself for marriage, for it is the will of my God," you might be thinking to yourself. Indeed, your God would likely damn you for sexual deviancy, sentencing you to be fisted by demons for all of eternity. Of course, this presents a problem if your desire is to exude raw sexuality like the cloud of thick musk that a mare in heat ejects. But do not despair! You merely have to pretend that you've experienced the company of all the kings concubines, you don't have to invade the palace of your lord and to have your way with his lady-folk.

I shall refer to my experience from the courting of my third wife, Ermengarde. Indeed, I had come into manhood by that point, but this is an irrelevant detail. There are several things you must do to win the attention of a maiden:

First you must get the maidens attention. I have found that starting fires is a perfect way to do this. My Ermengarde lived by a stable, which is a perfect location for a fire. The thatch roof provided excellent kindling, and, after I had unleashed the animals and made sure that they could make the most raucous escape, I was bound to earn somebodies attention. Indeed! The whole neighborhood was aware of my courting by the end of the night, and with only six peasants deceased trying to put out the fire! A small victory.

Once young Ermengarde knew of my name, I had to make sure that she knew of my intentions to make her mine. I had my father host a fair, nothing too fantastic, as our land had experienced a drought (and fathers drinking had become steadily worse) and we couldn't afford it, but we nonetheless invited families from several adjacent realms. I waited eagerly for the fair. During the dance, which opened the festivities, I spotted young Ermengarde, who looked exquisite. I made my way to her and spent four to five minutes thrusting several paces in front of her. I could tell by the look in the maidens eye that my thrusting was impressing her. I left abruptly and let her consider my display for a few hours.

The next day, I entered myself in a tournament and fought in her honor. I was enrolled in one-on-one combat with another man. I took him apart and won the day. She was mine by dusk.

So, what have we learned from my example? You must initiate a relationship with an ostentatious display to get attention, then you must thrust at a would-be mate, and then you must kill another man in her honor. The system works.

Heed my advice, young reader.

Suitors

If you are pursuing a maiden of great beauty or wealth you will have to compete with others, this is a reality of everyone's life. But, there are certain strategies one might use to prevail over the other men, your competition, who will from here forth be referred to as Chlothar, Rignomer, and Otho. If it is permitted, I would like walk through a hypothetical situation:

Pretend you have followed the object of your affection to her home in an attempt to play her tunes on your lyre, effectively wooing her and making her forever yours, only to have that perfidious, snake-bastard Chlothar show up on his damned Arabian steed that you could never afford because father has a gambling problem. You need not fret, first you must assess the situation. Do you look a fool with your second-hand lyre standing next to Chlothar's beautifully groomed stallion and his Italian finery? It is likely. The odds are stacked against your favor, which calls for dramatic actions. Strike Chlothar's steed in the hind-quarters with the side of your sword, it will panic the horse and it shall flee. Chlothar will swear vengeance, but fuck Chlothar. If his animal is of good German stock, consider yourself beaten; you must find another maiden. Likely one of low birth, since you have effectively been reduced to the status of a lout by failing to beat Chlothar.

So, Chlothar has been dispatched, leaving you to strum at your lyre beneath the window of your beloved. Alas! Rignomer has been dawned by the staccato abrasion of your lyre shredding and he is accompanied by his flute. The man is a master flautist; his gentle harmonies could win the heart of any young lass and he has challenged you to a musical show-down! A collective gasp emanates from all present. If you accept his invitation, you shall lose, perhaps even die, but if you refuse it, you will be a coward; your would-be love will spit upon you and curse your very name. This is undesirable if your goal is to win her heart. I must admit, it is a difficult situation to remedy, but there is a solution! You must not abide by the rules of his musical challenging. When he is about to put the flute to his lips, it is crucial that you strike him one the dome of his skull with your axe. Cleft the skull in twain. Reckless displays of violence will dissuade future suitors.

Unfortunately, the brazen and aggressive youth, Otho, has not been scared off. The commotion involved in splitting the head of an effeminate flautist has drawn him out of his home, ready for a fight. You can't merely duel with him, another will take his place, rather, it is imperative that he be incapacitated. When this is completed you must make an example of his household. Molest his draft animals. Enslave his cousins. Throw the parents in your dungeon. Do whatever it takes to cripple the bastard Otho and scare off any more suitors.

So, what have we learned from this little scenario? It is important to not only strike first at other men, but to strike as hard as possible to incapacitate any future effort on their part to steal any of your women-folk. There is no such thing as excess when dealing with a rival.

Heed my advice, young reader.

Also, I would like to formally welcome the great sage Zoroaster Jones to this guide. His wisdom will provide a worthy and invaluable addition. The man is unmatched in his perceptions. Follow his eternal words and you are sure to "Get fly bitches." God speed Zoroaster!

Zoroaster Jones: On the Scene

I am Zoroaster Jones, descendant of the prophet Zoroaster (you may know him as Zarathustra the Ill, or Super-Fly Zaraϑuštra).

These writings will not lead to whores and excess. Instead, I lay before you a most righteous path at the end of which you will find a most amiable spouse.

This path is neither wholly rooted in the old ways, nor is it entirely modern. It is a hybrid of all ways. This path will teach you to sustain aša and avoid druj.

You might be thinking, "but Zoroaster, how can the old ways help land me a fly honey? Shouldn't it be all new?"

My response, "Check it fool. Have you seen those old dudes that super models marry? Why else would they marry them other than for the fact that they are old? Bitches. Love. Old. But, while bitches certainly do love old shit, you can't be all vintage all the time. Why? Bitches. Also. Love. Cadillacs."

So sayeth Zoroaster Jones.

Look Like Kevin Sorbo

Buy leather pants, grow your hair out, build muscles, and add three points to your flaming sword attribute. You will destroy worlds.

Codpieces

The codpiece is the pinnacle of male-fashion. If you are to be a success sexually, you must have one. Indeed, if you desire any form of success, whether it be against a neighbor who is speaking ill of you to your lord or from a heretic attempting to wrest your flock from the one true faith, one would be wise to equip themselves with such a fashionable and functional article of clothing.

The Selection Process

When I was a young man, I spent much of my time in a city on the Dardanelles chasing young maidens. I was not considering a spouse at the time, rather I was trying to deflower babes, and a good thing too! Had I taken one of those women as a wife, I would have been the worse for it. 

There were a number of characteristics one should look for in a wife:

-How many pounds of fodder is the woman capable of hefting?
-Does her family have a history of strong backs?
-Approximately how winters could she survive on just rye bread and eggs?
-How many head of cattle does her family own?
-Is she promised to another man?
-Has a clergyman ever chastised one of her families members for any particular religious transgression?

These were all critical details that, in my youth, I was entirely ignorant of. For instance, on one occasion, I found myself in the company of a dainty heathen, perhaps of eastern stock; entirely useless in kitchen or field, yet I would not have considered these important attributes since I was plagued with bad judgment; ruled by the whims of my dreams of lusty conquest. She had clearly been raised in the city, completely oblivious to the life of privilege she was living. For several days I cavorted with her, realized my error, and left to never speak with her again. Her incapacity to live a life of industry was sickening.

It is with these details in mind that I move forward to give suitable advice. It is crucial that youths today not make the same mistake that I did. Had I known better, I would have immediately left for the countryside to quest for a wife. Indeed, the countryside is dangerous, one never knows what variety of brigand one might run into. Not but a fortnight ago a bandit attempted to make off with one of my most valuable ewes; I was fortunate enough to have my dogs tear him to shreds (let that be a lesson to you all!). What is important about searching for a wife in a rural setting is their breeding; it's pure. Family lines have not been tainted with infidel blood, rather lords have been breeding their daughters with that of their lordly neighbors, keeping a close eye on the good pedigree of their families. One can inherit a mighty lot flock from a wealthy family, I would recommend starting with women of that sort in your courting rituals.

I know what you're thinking, "I already have a chief wife, but lately I've been looking for a concubine or perhaps a secondary wife to fulfill some roles around the house that my main wife has trouble with." Indeed, some men have such a voracious sexual appetite, one woman could never suffice. To that I say, "Good on you Sir! And God speed!" Secondary wives are of lesser importance, so they can be found in much greater numbers. Once, when my neighbor Chlothar was harassing me, I said to him,"Chlothar, if you do not desist in taking wood from my forest and fish from my stream I will let you taste the steel of my blade!" And what did the knave say in response? Nothing but a bold challenge! He told me that it was his right to take from his lesser, the bastard! That night, I assembled my finest men and we razed his town to the ground. We sold the men and children into slavery and took the women for ourselves. It was from there that I received my finest secondary wife. She is a thing of exquisite beauty that I keep confined to my tower.

Heed my advice young readers!

Introductions

In some circles I have been praised as a veritable paragon of wisdom when it comes to the selection of a suitable mate. This blog is about the process of correctly finding someone to copulate with and the means to continue said copulation in the future. I intend to touch on the best places to find a mate, useful contraceptives, picking a worthy heir, punishment of transgressions, and everything in between.