To initiate my triumphant return, I have a reader request, "How do I get smile girl to go out on a date with me?" I am not sure who the fortunate maiden is that said reader is referring to, but I can make a fairly accurate guess as to what will impress her. It's essentially a three step process:
1. In the past I have mentioned the importance of penile gyrations and thrusting ones pelvis as if to point at the object of your affection and say, "You! I am commanding your attention, act accordingly! You would do well to bear my children and become a part of my household." The motion of the bodies midriff can be mesmerizing; like a charmer with a cobra, you may use it to cast a spell upon young maidens. It is important to link different combination's of thrusts to create an elaborate courting ritual. With your dance you must state your intentions, dominate over any other potential suitors, and, most importantly, impress the maiden. There are three sub-steps to this in the greater three step process that will ensure success:
-Have an important mustache. It is not necessary to grow a mustache, you must merely have an important one in your possession. This might mean having a retainer grow one for you or cutting the upper lip from a man with an exceptional mustache, though it would be a shame to steal such a thing. A mustache is important because it takes away from other deficiencies. I give you Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I as an example:
Have you noticed his hideous facial proportions or hair akin to the worst barbarians of the wilds? I didn't, because I was preoccupied with his curious mustache.
-Wear flashy pants. Flashy pants draw attention to the area you are trying to accentuate. Once again, I give you Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I as an example:
-Destroy a Turkish army. Destroying a Turkish army will give you a well-needed boost to renown through all of Christendom. If we take Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I as an example again, he destroyed a Turkish army. When dangling your penis inches from your prospective loves face, renown is a powerful ally to have if you would like to guarantee success.
For evidence of the effectiveness of mustaches, flashy pants, and renown from killing Turks, let it be known that despite the generations of inbreeding in his family, which seemed to have created a genetic clusterfuck manifested solely in Leopold himself, the man had three wives, presumably at different points in his life, and seventeen children.
Moving on.
2. Destroy a demon. Years ago my realm was beset with all manners of evil; creatures would descend upon my village to gingerly molest our draft animals and steal our stores of grain. They were the root cause of a horrible famine for the animals did not want to work, having been recently sexually assaulted, and our provisions had been depleted by the thieving demons. Thus, I set off into the woods to find the source of the vile creatures. Deep in the woods I stumbled upon a cottage inhabited by a lonely witch. I went to her and asked, nay, demanded, "Witch, is it you who has been sending all manners of evil into my village?!" Her response was swift, "Indeed! Your people have poisoned the spring from which I draw my water with phosphates and heavy metals from your industry. This is my revenge!" I immediately was thrown into a rage and forced my balled fist down her throat, choking her from the inside like Herakles and the Nemean Lion. When she had ceased struggling, I dragged her corpse back to the town and proclaimed that the forest had been cleansed of evil. The people rejoiced. I commenced "getting my dick wet" as the saying goes, after spotting a fine maiden and gyrating in her immediate vicinity for several minutes.
3. This is perhaps the most important piece of advice on this list: impress the maidens father. Most maidens are not free from the influence of their father, they are merely in a state of waiting to be permitted to enter marriage. When I was pursuing my first wife Ansgarde, I brought her father the broad-sword of a Saxon chieftain I had cut down months earlier on campaign. He kissed me on the mouth and promised his daughter to me. It was really that simple. The marriage did not work out for Ansgarde died whilst birthing my first son, Carlomann, who was extraordinarily large. My family does not like to speak of Carlomann for he was born with a malady of the mind. If one examines his frontal lobe, one will notice that he has the characteristics of a horse thief and the back of his skull indicates an utter lack of morality.
Follow these steps and you will find yourself betrothed before the spring rains bring new life to your fields.
Heed my advice, dear reader.
Craniometry will never be not funny.
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