Unwanted Attraction

Recently, a reader asked me, "What should I do if a woman who I'm not attracted to is attracted to me and she won't leave me alone?"

An excellent question! I have been assailed in the streets on many an occasion by uncouth maidens positively lusting with a fire immolating their loins. They would throw their bodies at my feet and beg for my embrace, grasping at my limbs as I passed. But I will not be tempted by a gaggle of sirens though and neither should you! Promiscuous men and women are a danger to society; they threaten to unravel its very fabric by fornicating with everything in site. What would I say to my brother, father, mother, sister, or even my most beloved canine companion if I intruded upon them engaged in filthy coitus with a stranger? The words escape me because I have not the vocabulary to describe the shame. There are ways to get around this problem though, but each solution is dependent on how dedicated of a pursuer you're dealing with.

In the case of a mild infatuation on the part of your pursuer:

There are several courses of action you might take, some of the active and others of the passive variety. If you are wont to put great amounts of effort into your problems, I would recommend coating your body in feces. Not only is feces readily available, but the stench is pungent and repulsive. I'm sure you're thinking, "But Northfist, my pursuant is of the common rabble, they have spawned from the nether of the peasantry and are thus born into a world of shit and filth. They are no stranger to fecal matter, thus your advice is unusable!" Fortunately there is a solution to this particular woe!

So your body is coated in feces, but you're still the object of someones affection and, because they're used to the smell, they haven't been put off by your repellent. The best course of action would be to surround your domicile with the corpses of plague victims. Preferably, you would also wipe their infected glands upon your person. The rabble is repelled by the plague because they are not favored by God and therefore liable to be afflicted by the illness. Even if a peasant girl desires you at all hours of the day, she would dare not approach someone carrying something that would spell certain death for her. I have never heard of an aristocrat succumbing to the plague, so sleep easy tonight.

But what if your pursuer is not easily shaken? They are obsessed! They have left tokens of their love about your domicile; the corpses of rodents, regurgitated balls of fur, shredded paper and furniture! This requires considerable initiative on the part of the individual being assailed all hours of the day.

If you've read this far, your pursuer is dangerous and must be defended against at all costs. First, I would recommend investing in traps. First and foremost, buy one of these:

Preferably, it would be set-up and hidden at a strategic choke-point. If possible, it would be wise to conceal it under a bed of leaves or perhaps sticks. If you're fortunate, the trap won't take a leg off and your pursuer can simply be left to languish in the sun until they succumb to a variety of wild animals or thirst/hunger. If they do manage to escape from the trap they will likely be enraged and delusional. You must prepare for this eventuality.

Where a leg-trap fails, a pit has a success rate of nearly 100%. They can be a hassle to dig, but it's nothing that one cannot delegate to a team of serfs. Ideally, the end product will look something like this:
As soon as word spreads that you have one of these on your estate, you can be sure that whatever maniacal harpy you have lurking in your shadows will either be swallowed whole and left to rot for a thousand years or will be entirely dissuaded from her carnal quest.

Ah, I have almost forgotten, there was a second part to the initial question! "What if she tricks you into sleeping with her."

This is almost inconceivable, but, dear reader, it can happen! If you have had the misfortune of having intercourse against your will, your best possible action would be to contact the police and press as many charges as are humanly possible. Seriously, that's rape and I'm not going to make jokes about it.

Now here's a picture of a satyr engaged in the act of coitus with a goat. Until next time dear readers, enjoy!