There is an aforementioned article I penned dedicated to grooming an appropriate heir, but there is no mention of what one should do if conniving and jealous relatives seek to undo years of careful planning on your part. That shall be the topic of this article.
Approximately six months after I first expanded the domains of my father, my uncle, jealous of my feats, hired four barbarians of Varangian descent to drag me from my abode as I slumbered. The men trespassed into my castle and were promptly impaled on a vast iron spike wielded by my anthropomorphic canine companion or they fell into a pit of infinite depth or something. My uncle, foiled, sent another group of assassins, for his coffers are filled with seemingly unlimited amounts of money begotten by ill means which allow him to do things like send multiple bands of assassins. These ones were infinitely more skilled than the clumsy axe-wielding apes from Rus. They drugged me with all manner of herbs and carried me off to my uncles fortress. The bastard demanded that I cede my kingdom, so I shat upon the cobblestone of his floor, accused his wife of adultery, wagged my engorged penis before his squires face, and broke the neck of one of his servants. I was cast into his dungeon for my impressive display of penile defiance.
The dungeon had no perceivable exits, there was a lack of natural light, and I had heard rumors that there was a rancor in the third level. I thought to myself, "Fuck this place." Fuck it indeed! I began to repeatedly kick at the wall and called to the ghosts of my ancestors to empower my appendage that I might break through my fetid enclosure. No ghosts aided me, rather the jailer was roused by my energetic display of wall-kickery and requested that I stop, for it was futile and distracting. I told the man that he was suckled at the bosom of a whore and cast a rock in his direction. Offended by my trespass, he opened the door to my cell, presumably to administer a beating with an iron rod that he was brandishing, but, before he could react, I swiftly began kicking at him, rather than my former target, the wall. Several blows struck him at various points on the leg, shattering the bones, sending fragments about as they exited his body with devastating force. The jailer exploded in a wave of gore and a forceful blast of air. I stood triumphant in the puddle of man that had momentarily threatened to be my foe. The door to my cell stood ajar and I made a most glorious escape! I made for the door that I had been dragged in from and began to seek my uncle.
As I ascended the stairs to the ground floor of my uncles keep, I met a sentry who attempted to bar my passage. I leapt upon his chest before he could brandish his weapon and began to bite at his face, tearing copious amounts of flesh from his cheeks and throat. The sentry proved no match for my powerful mandibles. I stripped a halberd and sword from his corpse and continued my ascent. When I reached the great hall of the ground floor, there was something of a procession passing through. Oblivious to its purpose, I buried the halberd in the chest of the lead maiden and proceeded to run amok for several moments before finding the staircase that I sought. It was unfortunate for several poor souls that they impede my progress, for I raised them above my head, cursed their fathers and cast them to the floor with all the righteous anger that a captured noble might manifest against an enemy. The other inhabitants of the room fled in terror.
I mounted the stairs to the great tower that my uncle resided in running into no trouble as I made my way to the great oak doors that marked the ante-chamber of his bedroom. Standing before the door were the three assassins who had carried me to the castle. The blood-rage that had gripped me only grew more feverish as I grappled with one man, only to throw him through the body of another. The remaining assassin, horrified that I had impaled his comrade with his other comrade attempted to flee, but I was upon him like a gull on the lunch of a young lad, too oblivious to defend his means of sustenance. I tore at his face and threw him through the window of the tower. It was unnecessary to watch him plummet, for there was only hard pavement to meet him several stories below.
After I had dispatched my assassins I burst into the chamber of my uncle. He demanded to know the meaning of said outburst but only began to stammer as I stumbled in, drenched in violence. The man was naked from the waist down and surrounded by pieces of fine art that he was unceremoniously rubbing his genitals on. I was momentarily bewildered by his odd fetish but dismissed it as a madness befit for a man of his treachery. I took several steps into the room, watching him retreat backwards with his awkward erection, now sitting somewhere between half-mast and flaccid, taunting me from beneath his night-shirt. I tried to avert my eyes because it was weird, you now, seeing a family member naked from the waist down; that sort of thing makes me uncomfortable. I really didn't want to tackle him or really even touch him, so I cast an ornate candelabra at his head. The wrought-iron of the piece had the desired effect upon the old bastard in that it struck him in the temple and he collapsed, dead.
Satisfied, I retreated from my uncles chamber and left his fortress. Moments later I put it to the torch and watched it burn to the ground, rancor and all. I had no desire for the treasure he kept hidden in the sub-basements, for I wanted nothing to do with his damnable wealth. The castle slowly slumped beneath its own weight as its wooden supports burned and collapsed. I later forced the village my uncle administered to fill the considerable hole the castle left with earth, sealing up all traces of the fortress. When they finished it was off to the salt mines for the lot of them. I was victorious and ended up absorbing my uncles land into my kingdom.
So, what have we learned from this anecdote? Transgressions must be forcibly punished. I could have simply given my uncle a stern warning after leaving his dungeon, but no! He would not learn from such a thing. Death by candelabra was the only solution. I must insist that similar situations be remedied with the same process.
Heed my advice, dear reader.
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