Wikihow: To Slay the Unchaste

Chastity is one of the most important virtues that we as a modern society uphold. It is the very groundwork upon which we build our sense of morality and honor. The unchaste are bereft of integrity and honesty. They are equally as comfortable smothering a babe in its cradle as they are pilfering the goods of a merchant, literally robbing him of his livelihood. A community cannot trust a man or woman who has indulged in extra-marital intercourse. They are, by nature, liars, rapists, murderers, blasphemers, and thieves.

With a threat this grievous lurking beneath the surface of every society, it falls upon the ordinary citizen to rectify this problem before it propagates and threatens to tear our very civilization to pieces. But how does one punish transgressions of this nature?

Step One

First, one must identify the the accused and their gender. Men sport beards and often wear pants, whereas women do not have beards and wear dresses. This is a crucial step, identifying gender is integral to determining how the accused had or was conniving to corrupt your kin and neighbors. Most commonly, unchaste men flaunt their genitals in gourds adorned with runes and gem stones. They are marvelous to behold and, through that means, enchant maidens to bed them. Unchaste women are more diabolical. They pray to devils to empower them with spells that steal the minds of spry young lads and bed them in a most unsavory fashion. Either unchaste men or women despoil maidens and boys with vile sorcery.

Step Two

Once one has identified the gender of the accused, you must detain the offender. If you are a woman detaining an unchaste man, it would be wise to fashion a type of ocular enhancement that does not allow you to see anything below shoulder height (not that a maid would be looking there anyhow, ho ho!). I recommend purchasing a tall hat with a brim, cut eye slits in the part that accommodates ones cranium and pull it down over your eyes so that the brim is below eye-level, thereby obscuring any genital accoutrement that might encourage one to forswear promises of celibacy. If you are a man detaining an unchaste man, take him at the point of a broad sword. If you are a maid detaining an unchaste woman, I would recommend incapacitating her first. This can be done by striking at the temple with an oblong object of at least 30 centimeters and made from either iron or perhaps a rock held in the end of a stocking. Strike true and rapidly if one is interested in encountering the least amount of resistance. It is best if a man does not detain an unchaste woman who wields the power of sorcery, but, if it must be done, do so with at least three members of your local clergy in attendance. You may also want an amulet containing the blood of a mare who has never borne a horseling, for it will ward off feelings of temptation.

Step Three

Once one has the accused in custody, they must be delivered to either ones lord or the clergy. They will be tried and inevitably convicted for their crimes. They must submit themselves to a trial by fire. The very nature of their crimes makes them untrustworthy and therefore unworthy of a trial by water. A sword must be heated in a furnace until it glows hot. The accused must grasp the sword and, as the flesh sears, the lack of godly intervention proves the accused guilty.

Step Four

With the unchaste man or woman proven guilty, it comes time for swift action, not mercy and healing. A knight of high status must plunge his broadsword into the breast of the deviant. A lesser man might not be able to force his blade through the ribcage or, through sheer lack of training, miss the heart. A goodly knight has jacked muscles and a castle-forged sword that will make short work of rib bones and all matter of humors that steel might encounter whilst encroaching upon the heart.

Step Five

When the accused has met their end, sever the head from the body and mount it upon a pike. Let it be a grim reminder to all that forsaking ones morals and turning ones back on the community shall be met with the harshest of retribution.

Tips

• Keep your broad sword sharpened and your hand deft with a blade.
• Marry all you wish to bed.
• Detain the accused while they are sleeping for the least amount of resistance.
• If you are in a lordly position, do not let the peasant men and women of your village mingle.
  

Warnings

• Do not succumb to sins of the flesh, lest you find yourself at the tip of a sword
• Be wary of traps such as pits with no perceivable bottom.

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