Cooking for Maidens

Cooking is a peasants job, there is no denying that, but certain maidens would have their suitors learn to properly prepare a meal. I would sooner put a village to the sword and merely abduct their finest cook, but sometimes that simply is not an option. So, I would like to take this opportunity to share my step-by-step instructions to preparing a meal that will delight any potential spouse.

Cooked Boar:

Step 1- The first step to cooking boar is to acquire a boar. One must set out into the woods with an intrepid band of merry hunters, preferably armed with spears long enough to impale a charging animal and long swords of reliable quality. This process takes some several days, but with the proper knowledge of boar habitation, one can be tracked easily enough. Boars are attracted to blood sacrifices so you may have to slit the throat of a goat or calve in order to convince the woodland spirits that you are worthy of entering into combat with one of their denizens. But I digress, when you finally come upon a boar, ideally, you will plunge your spear into the animals face or heart instantly murdering the animal. If you miss the boar, there's a good chance it will impale you upon its tusks and inflict wounds grievous enough to cause a fairly painful and drawn-out death. One should avoid this as death is undesirable.

Step 2- Once you have a boar carcass in your possession it would be best to return to your castle. This is an interregnum step of sort.

Step 3- Appoint a date with the object of your affection to sup with you.

Step 4- Several hours before your dinner place the boar in a fire. The fire cooks the boar or something. Take the corpse out before it's reduced to ashes.

Step 5- Carve the cooked boar with a knife or equally sharpened piece of steel and place upon a serving platter.

Step 6- Eat your hard-earned food and bed the grateful maiden.

Cooked fish:

Step 1- The first step to cooking fish is to acquire a fish. One must locate a suitable body of water teeming with a myriad of aquatic vertebrates and depart for it with an intrepid band of merry hunters, preferably armed with spears long enough to impale a charging animal and long swords of reliable quality. Fish are in far greater abundance than boars but it would be wise to consider blood sacrifice to ensure the capture of the largest possible fish. One must enter the water with spear and sword and thrust the spear through the face or gills of your quarry and use the sword to defend against treacherous bottom dwelling creatures (krakens, sperm whales, leviathans, etc.). You may only leave the water triumphant. Pro-tip: you may want to do this with haste for humans untainted by black magic cannot breath beneath the surface of water.

Step 2- Return to your castle with your trophy.

Step 3- This time, do not appoint a time to sup with your maid, rather, in the middle of the night, steal into her room and throw a canvas bag over her head. Confine her to a light-starved room for the day and then have a gaoler bring her to your dining room when you're ready. Maidens love surprises.

Step 4- Several hours before your dinner date, place the fish in a fire and allow its flesh to cook or something. This will take an indeterminate amount of time based on your elevation, ventilation, and the amount of wood used in your fire.

Step 5- Carve the cooked fish with a knife or something and place upon a plate, platter, or any receptacle with a depth shallow enough to facilitate supping.

Step 6- Eat the fish and bed the grateful, lusty, maiden.


Cooked Bread:

Step 1- The first step to cooking bread is to acquire grain, or, preferably flour, since bread is derived from flour. Unfortunately, the process involved in producing flour is lengthy and usually involves several months of growing grain and harvesting. Unless you possess infinite patience and enjoy planning your dinner dates well in advance I would suggest a different method. Gather up an intrepid and merry band of hunters armed with long spears, swords of reliable quality, and clad them in plate armour. Lead your band into the field and trespass into the lands of another lord, preferably one that you do not get along with. It is important to send scouts out ahead of your band to locate a village; you must go to this village, steal their flour, burn it to the ground, and slaughter the inhabitants so that no word of your trespass might later incite war.

Step 2- Return to your castle with your flour.

Step 3- The bread making process is somewhat hazy to me, but I imagine it is similar to cooking boar and fish; take the flour and place it in a fire, bread will inevitably result.

Step 4- Serve bread to maiden.

Step 5- Bed maiden.


If you follow these steps, culinary prowess will ensue. Heed my advice, dear reader.