Wikihow: To Slay the Unchaste

Chastity is one of the most important virtues that we as a modern society uphold. It is the very groundwork upon which we build our sense of morality and honor. The unchaste are bereft of integrity and honesty. They are equally as comfortable smothering a babe in its cradle as they are pilfering the goods of a merchant, literally robbing him of his livelihood. A community cannot trust a man or woman who has indulged in extra-marital intercourse. They are, by nature, liars, rapists, murderers, blasphemers, and thieves.

With a threat this grievous lurking beneath the surface of every society, it falls upon the ordinary citizen to rectify this problem before it propagates and threatens to tear our very civilization to pieces. But how does one punish transgressions of this nature?

Step One

First, one must identify the the accused and their gender. Men sport beards and often wear pants, whereas women do not have beards and wear dresses. This is a crucial step, identifying gender is integral to determining how the accused had or was conniving to corrupt your kin and neighbors. Most commonly, unchaste men flaunt their genitals in gourds adorned with runes and gem stones. They are marvelous to behold and, through that means, enchant maidens to bed them. Unchaste women are more diabolical. They pray to devils to empower them with spells that steal the minds of spry young lads and bed them in a most unsavory fashion. Either unchaste men or women despoil maidens and boys with vile sorcery.

Step Two

Once one has identified the gender of the accused, you must detain the offender. If you are a woman detaining an unchaste man, it would be wise to fashion a type of ocular enhancement that does not allow you to see anything below shoulder height (not that a maid would be looking there anyhow, ho ho!). I recommend purchasing a tall hat with a brim, cut eye slits in the part that accommodates ones cranium and pull it down over your eyes so that the brim is below eye-level, thereby obscuring any genital accoutrement that might encourage one to forswear promises of celibacy. If you are a man detaining an unchaste man, take him at the point of a broad sword. If you are a maid detaining an unchaste woman, I would recommend incapacitating her first. This can be done by striking at the temple with an oblong object of at least 30 centimeters and made from either iron or perhaps a rock held in the end of a stocking. Strike true and rapidly if one is interested in encountering the least amount of resistance. It is best if a man does not detain an unchaste woman who wields the power of sorcery, but, if it must be done, do so with at least three members of your local clergy in attendance. You may also want an amulet containing the blood of a mare who has never borne a horseling, for it will ward off feelings of temptation.

Step Three

Once one has the accused in custody, they must be delivered to either ones lord or the clergy. They will be tried and inevitably convicted for their crimes. They must submit themselves to a trial by fire. The very nature of their crimes makes them untrustworthy and therefore unworthy of a trial by water. A sword must be heated in a furnace until it glows hot. The accused must grasp the sword and, as the flesh sears, the lack of godly intervention proves the accused guilty.

Step Four

With the unchaste man or woman proven guilty, it comes time for swift action, not mercy and healing. A knight of high status must plunge his broadsword into the breast of the deviant. A lesser man might not be able to force his blade through the ribcage or, through sheer lack of training, miss the heart. A goodly knight has jacked muscles and a castle-forged sword that will make short work of rib bones and all matter of humors that steel might encounter whilst encroaching upon the heart.

Step Five

When the accused has met their end, sever the head from the body and mount it upon a pike. Let it be a grim reminder to all that forsaking ones morals and turning ones back on the community shall be met with the harshest of retribution.

Tips

• Keep your broad sword sharpened and your hand deft with a blade.
• Marry all you wish to bed.
• Detain the accused while they are sleeping for the least amount of resistance.
• If you are in a lordly position, do not let the peasant men and women of your village mingle.
  

Warnings

• Do not succumb to sins of the flesh, lest you find yourself at the tip of a sword
• Be wary of traps such as pits with no perceivable bottom.

http://www.wikihow.com/Slay-the-Unchaste

Cooking for Maidens

Cooking is a peasants job, there is no denying that, but certain maidens would have their suitors learn to properly prepare a meal. I would sooner put a village to the sword and merely abduct their finest cook, but sometimes that simply is not an option. So, I would like to take this opportunity to share my step-by-step instructions to preparing a meal that will delight any potential spouse.

Cooked Boar:

Step 1- The first step to cooking boar is to acquire a boar. One must set out into the woods with an intrepid band of merry hunters, preferably armed with spears long enough to impale a charging animal and long swords of reliable quality. This process takes some several days, but with the proper knowledge of boar habitation, one can be tracked easily enough. Boars are attracted to blood sacrifices so you may have to slit the throat of a goat or calve in order to convince the woodland spirits that you are worthy of entering into combat with one of their denizens. But I digress, when you finally come upon a boar, ideally, you will plunge your spear into the animals face or heart instantly murdering the animal. If you miss the boar, there's a good chance it will impale you upon its tusks and inflict wounds grievous enough to cause a fairly painful and drawn-out death. One should avoid this as death is undesirable.

Step 2- Once you have a boar carcass in your possession it would be best to return to your castle. This is an interregnum step of sort.

Step 3- Appoint a date with the object of your affection to sup with you.

Step 4- Several hours before your dinner place the boar in a fire. The fire cooks the boar or something. Take the corpse out before it's reduced to ashes.

Step 5- Carve the cooked boar with a knife or equally sharpened piece of steel and place upon a serving platter.

Step 6- Eat your hard-earned food and bed the grateful maiden.

Cooked fish:

Step 1- The first step to cooking fish is to acquire a fish. One must locate a suitable body of water teeming with a myriad of aquatic vertebrates and depart for it with an intrepid band of merry hunters, preferably armed with spears long enough to impale a charging animal and long swords of reliable quality. Fish are in far greater abundance than boars but it would be wise to consider blood sacrifice to ensure the capture of the largest possible fish. One must enter the water with spear and sword and thrust the spear through the face or gills of your quarry and use the sword to defend against treacherous bottom dwelling creatures (krakens, sperm whales, leviathans, etc.). You may only leave the water triumphant. Pro-tip: you may want to do this with haste for humans untainted by black magic cannot breath beneath the surface of water.

Step 2- Return to your castle with your trophy.

Step 3- This time, do not appoint a time to sup with your maid, rather, in the middle of the night, steal into her room and throw a canvas bag over her head. Confine her to a light-starved room for the day and then have a gaoler bring her to your dining room when you're ready. Maidens love surprises.

Step 4- Several hours before your dinner date, place the fish in a fire and allow its flesh to cook or something. This will take an indeterminate amount of time based on your elevation, ventilation, and the amount of wood used in your fire.

Step 5- Carve the cooked fish with a knife or something and place upon a plate, platter, or any receptacle with a depth shallow enough to facilitate supping.

Step 6- Eat the fish and bed the grateful, lusty, maiden.


Cooked Bread:

Step 1- The first step to cooking bread is to acquire grain, or, preferably flour, since bread is derived from flour. Unfortunately, the process involved in producing flour is lengthy and usually involves several months of growing grain and harvesting. Unless you possess infinite patience and enjoy planning your dinner dates well in advance I would suggest a different method. Gather up an intrepid and merry band of hunters armed with long spears, swords of reliable quality, and clad them in plate armour. Lead your band into the field and trespass into the lands of another lord, preferably one that you do not get along with. It is important to send scouts out ahead of your band to locate a village; you must go to this village, steal their flour, burn it to the ground, and slaughter the inhabitants so that no word of your trespass might later incite war.

Step 2- Return to your castle with your flour.

Step 3- The bread making process is somewhat hazy to me, but I imagine it is similar to cooking boar and fish; take the flour and place it in a fire, bread will inevitably result.

Step 4- Serve bread to maiden.

Step 5- Bed maiden.


If you follow these steps, culinary prowess will ensue. Heed my advice, dear reader.