There is an aforementioned article I penned dedicated to grooming an appropriate heir, but there is no mention of what one should do if conniving and jealous relatives seek to undo years of careful planning on your part. That shall be the topic of this article.
Approximately six months after I first expanded the domains of my father, my uncle, jealous of my feats, hired four barbarians of Varangian descent to drag me from my abode as I slumbered. The men trespassed into my castle and were promptly impaled on a vast iron spike wielded by my anthropomorphic canine companion or they fell into a pit of infinite depth or something. My uncle, foiled, sent another group of assassins, for his coffers are filled with seemingly unlimited amounts of money begotten by ill means which allow him to do things like send multiple bands of assassins. These ones were infinitely more skilled than the clumsy axe-wielding apes from Rus. They drugged me with all manner of herbs and carried me off to my uncles fortress. The bastard demanded that I cede my kingdom, so I shat upon the cobblestone of his floor, accused his wife of adultery, wagged my engorged penis before his squires face, and broke the neck of one of his servants. I was cast into his dungeon for my impressive display of penile defiance.
The dungeon had no perceivable exits, there was a lack of natural light, and I had heard rumors that there was a rancor in the third level. I thought to myself, "Fuck this place." Fuck it indeed! I began to repeatedly kick at the wall and called to the ghosts of my ancestors to empower my appendage that I might break through my fetid enclosure. No ghosts aided me, rather the jailer was roused by my energetic display of wall-kickery and requested that I stop, for it was futile and distracting. I told the man that he was suckled at the bosom of a whore and cast a rock in his direction. Offended by my trespass, he opened the door to my cell, presumably to administer a beating with an iron rod that he was brandishing, but, before he could react, I swiftly began kicking at him, rather than my former target, the wall. Several blows struck him at various points on the leg, shattering the bones, sending fragments about as they exited his body with devastating force. The jailer exploded in a wave of gore and a forceful blast of air. I stood triumphant in the puddle of man that had momentarily threatened to be my foe. The door to my cell stood ajar and I made a most glorious escape! I made for the door that I had been dragged in from and began to seek my uncle.
As I ascended the stairs to the ground floor of my uncles keep, I met a sentry who attempted to bar my passage. I leapt upon his chest before he could brandish his weapon and began to bite at his face, tearing copious amounts of flesh from his cheeks and throat. The sentry proved no match for my powerful mandibles. I stripped a halberd and sword from his corpse and continued my ascent. When I reached the great hall of the ground floor, there was something of a procession passing through. Oblivious to its purpose, I buried the halberd in the chest of the lead maiden and proceeded to run amok for several moments before finding the staircase that I sought. It was unfortunate for several poor souls that they impede my progress, for I raised them above my head, cursed their fathers and cast them to the floor with all the righteous anger that a captured noble might manifest against an enemy. The other inhabitants of the room fled in terror.
I mounted the stairs to the great tower that my uncle resided in running into no trouble as I made my way to the great oak doors that marked the ante-chamber of his bedroom. Standing before the door were the three assassins who had carried me to the castle. The blood-rage that had gripped me only grew more feverish as I grappled with one man, only to throw him through the body of another. The remaining assassin, horrified that I had impaled his comrade with his other comrade attempted to flee, but I was upon him like a gull on the lunch of a young lad, too oblivious to defend his means of sustenance. I tore at his face and threw him through the window of the tower. It was unnecessary to watch him plummet, for there was only hard pavement to meet him several stories below.
After I had dispatched my assassins I burst into the chamber of my uncle. He demanded to know the meaning of said outburst but only began to stammer as I stumbled in, drenched in violence. The man was naked from the waist down and surrounded by pieces of fine art that he was unceremoniously rubbing his genitals on. I was momentarily bewildered by his odd fetish but dismissed it as a madness befit for a man of his treachery. I took several steps into the room, watching him retreat backwards with his awkward erection, now sitting somewhere between half-mast and flaccid, taunting me from beneath his night-shirt. I tried to avert my eyes because it was weird, you now, seeing a family member naked from the waist down; that sort of thing makes me uncomfortable. I really didn't want to tackle him or really even touch him, so I cast an ornate candelabra at his head. The wrought-iron of the piece had the desired effect upon the old bastard in that it struck him in the temple and he collapsed, dead.
Satisfied, I retreated from my uncles chamber and left his fortress. Moments later I put it to the torch and watched it burn to the ground, rancor and all. I had no desire for the treasure he kept hidden in the sub-basements, for I wanted nothing to do with his damnable wealth. The castle slowly slumped beneath its own weight as its wooden supports burned and collapsed. I later forced the village my uncle administered to fill the considerable hole the castle left with earth, sealing up all traces of the fortress. When they finished it was off to the salt mines for the lot of them. I was victorious and ended up absorbing my uncles land into my kingdom.
So, what have we learned from this anecdote? Transgressions must be forcibly punished. I could have simply given my uncle a stern warning after leaving his dungeon, but no! He would not learn from such a thing. Death by candelabra was the only solution. I must insist that similar situations be remedied with the same process.
Heed my advice, dear reader.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A Triumphant Return
Dear readers, please, forgive my lengthy absence.
To initiate my triumphant return, I have a reader request, "How do I get smile girl to go out on a date with me?" I am not sure who the fortunate maiden is that said reader is referring to, but I can make a fairly accurate guess as to what will impress her. It's essentially a three step process:
1. In the past I have mentioned the importance of penile gyrations and thrusting ones pelvis as if to point at the object of your affection and say, "You! I am commanding your attention, act accordingly! You would do well to bear my children and become a part of my household." The motion of the bodies midriff can be mesmerizing; like a charmer with a cobra, you may use it to cast a spell upon young maidens. It is important to link different combination's of thrusts to create an elaborate courting ritual. With your dance you must state your intentions, dominate over any other potential suitors, and, most importantly, impress the maiden. There are three sub-steps to this in the greater three step process that will ensure success:
-Have an important mustache. It is not necessary to grow a mustache, you must merely have an important one in your possession. This might mean having a retainer grow one for you or cutting the upper lip from a man with an exceptional mustache, though it would be a shame to steal such a thing. A mustache is important because it takes away from other deficiencies. I give you Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I as an example:
Have you noticed his hideous facial proportions or hair akin to the worst barbarians of the wilds? I didn't, because I was preoccupied with his curious mustache.
-Wear flashy pants. Flashy pants draw attention to the area you are trying to accentuate. Once again, I give you Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I as an example:
This man is ready to conquer the opposite sex and probably the same sex if he feels up to it.
-Destroy a Turkish army. Destroying a Turkish army will give you a well-needed boost to renown through all of Christendom. If we take Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I as an example again, he destroyed a Turkish army. When dangling your penis inches from your prospective loves face, renown is a powerful ally to have if you would like to guarantee success.
For evidence of the effectiveness of mustaches, flashy pants, and renown from killing Turks, let it be known that despite the generations of inbreeding in his family, which seemed to have created a genetic clusterfuck manifested solely in Leopold himself, the man had three wives, presumably at different points in his life, and seventeen children.
Moving on.
2. Destroy a demon. Years ago my realm was beset with all manners of evil; creatures would descend upon my village to gingerly molest our draft animals and steal our stores of grain. They were the root cause of a horrible famine for the animals did not want to work, having been recently sexually assaulted, and our provisions had been depleted by the thieving demons. Thus, I set off into the woods to find the source of the vile creatures. Deep in the woods I stumbled upon a cottage inhabited by a lonely witch. I went to her and asked, nay, demanded, "Witch, is it you who has been sending all manners of evil into my village?!" Her response was swift, "Indeed! Your people have poisoned the spring from which I draw my water with phosphates and heavy metals from your industry. This is my revenge!" I immediately was thrown into a rage and forced my balled fist down her throat, choking her from the inside like Herakles and the Nemean Lion. When she had ceased struggling, I dragged her corpse back to the town and proclaimed that the forest had been cleansed of evil. The people rejoiced. I commenced "getting my dick wet" as the saying goes, after spotting a fine maiden and gyrating in her immediate vicinity for several minutes.
3. This is perhaps the most important piece of advice on this list: impress the maidens father. Most maidens are not free from the influence of their father, they are merely in a state of waiting to be permitted to enter marriage. When I was pursuing my first wife Ansgarde, I brought her father the broad-sword of a Saxon chieftain I had cut down months earlier on campaign. He kissed me on the mouth and promised his daughter to me. It was really that simple. The marriage did not work out for Ansgarde died whilst birthing my first son, Carlomann, who was extraordinarily large. My family does not like to speak of Carlomann for he was born with a malady of the mind. If one examines his frontal lobe, one will notice that he has the characteristics of a horse thief and the back of his skull indicates an utter lack of morality.
Follow these steps and you will find yourself betrothed before the spring rains bring new life to your fields.
Heed my advice, dear reader.
To initiate my triumphant return, I have a reader request, "How do I get smile girl to go out on a date with me?" I am not sure who the fortunate maiden is that said reader is referring to, but I can make a fairly accurate guess as to what will impress her. It's essentially a three step process:
1. In the past I have mentioned the importance of penile gyrations and thrusting ones pelvis as if to point at the object of your affection and say, "You! I am commanding your attention, act accordingly! You would do well to bear my children and become a part of my household." The motion of the bodies midriff can be mesmerizing; like a charmer with a cobra, you may use it to cast a spell upon young maidens. It is important to link different combination's of thrusts to create an elaborate courting ritual. With your dance you must state your intentions, dominate over any other potential suitors, and, most importantly, impress the maiden. There are three sub-steps to this in the greater three step process that will ensure success:
-Have an important mustache. It is not necessary to grow a mustache, you must merely have an important one in your possession. This might mean having a retainer grow one for you or cutting the upper lip from a man with an exceptional mustache, though it would be a shame to steal such a thing. A mustache is important because it takes away from other deficiencies. I give you Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I as an example:
Have you noticed his hideous facial proportions or hair akin to the worst barbarians of the wilds? I didn't, because I was preoccupied with his curious mustache.
-Wear flashy pants. Flashy pants draw attention to the area you are trying to accentuate. Once again, I give you Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I as an example:
-Destroy a Turkish army. Destroying a Turkish army will give you a well-needed boost to renown through all of Christendom. If we take Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I as an example again, he destroyed a Turkish army. When dangling your penis inches from your prospective loves face, renown is a powerful ally to have if you would like to guarantee success.
For evidence of the effectiveness of mustaches, flashy pants, and renown from killing Turks, let it be known that despite the generations of inbreeding in his family, which seemed to have created a genetic clusterfuck manifested solely in Leopold himself, the man had three wives, presumably at different points in his life, and seventeen children.
Moving on.
2. Destroy a demon. Years ago my realm was beset with all manners of evil; creatures would descend upon my village to gingerly molest our draft animals and steal our stores of grain. They were the root cause of a horrible famine for the animals did not want to work, having been recently sexually assaulted, and our provisions had been depleted by the thieving demons. Thus, I set off into the woods to find the source of the vile creatures. Deep in the woods I stumbled upon a cottage inhabited by a lonely witch. I went to her and asked, nay, demanded, "Witch, is it you who has been sending all manners of evil into my village?!" Her response was swift, "Indeed! Your people have poisoned the spring from which I draw my water with phosphates and heavy metals from your industry. This is my revenge!" I immediately was thrown into a rage and forced my balled fist down her throat, choking her from the inside like Herakles and the Nemean Lion. When she had ceased struggling, I dragged her corpse back to the town and proclaimed that the forest had been cleansed of evil. The people rejoiced. I commenced "getting my dick wet" as the saying goes, after spotting a fine maiden and gyrating in her immediate vicinity for several minutes.
3. This is perhaps the most important piece of advice on this list: impress the maidens father. Most maidens are not free from the influence of their father, they are merely in a state of waiting to be permitted to enter marriage. When I was pursuing my first wife Ansgarde, I brought her father the broad-sword of a Saxon chieftain I had cut down months earlier on campaign. He kissed me on the mouth and promised his daughter to me. It was really that simple. The marriage did not work out for Ansgarde died whilst birthing my first son, Carlomann, who was extraordinarily large. My family does not like to speak of Carlomann for he was born with a malady of the mind. If one examines his frontal lobe, one will notice that he has the characteristics of a horse thief and the back of his skull indicates an utter lack of morality.
Follow these steps and you will find yourself betrothed before the spring rains bring new life to your fields.
Heed my advice, dear reader.
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