Slaying Usurpers

There is an aforementioned article I penned dedicated to grooming an appropriate heir, but there is no mention of what one should do if conniving and jealous relatives seek to undo years of careful planning on your part. That shall be the topic of this article.

Approximately six months after I first expanded the domains of my father, my uncle, jealous of my feats, hired four barbarians of Varangian descent to drag me from my abode as I slumbered. The men trespassed into my castle and were promptly impaled on a vast iron spike wielded by my anthropomorphic canine companion or they fell into a pit of infinite depth or something. My uncle, foiled, sent another group of assassins, for his coffers are filled with seemingly unlimited amounts of money begotten by ill means which allow him to do things like send multiple bands of assassins. These ones were infinitely more skilled than the clumsy axe-wielding apes from Rus. They drugged me with all manner of herbs and carried me off to my uncles fortress. The bastard demanded that I cede my kingdom, so I shat upon the cobblestone of his floor, accused his wife of adultery, wagged my engorged penis before his squires face, and broke the neck of one of his servants. I was cast into his dungeon for my impressive display of penile defiance.

The dungeon had no perceivable exits, there was a lack of natural light, and I had heard rumors that there was a rancor in the third level. I thought to myself, "Fuck this place." Fuck it indeed! I began to repeatedly kick at the wall and called to the ghosts of my ancestors to empower my appendage that I might break through my fetid enclosure. No ghosts aided me, rather the jailer was roused by my energetic display of wall-kickery and requested that I stop, for it was futile and distracting. I told the man that he was suckled at the bosom of a whore and cast a rock in his direction. Offended by my trespass, he opened the door to my cell, presumably to administer a beating with an iron rod that he was brandishing, but, before he could react, I swiftly began kicking at him, rather than my former target, the wall. Several blows struck him at various points on the leg, shattering the bones, sending fragments about as they exited his body with devastating force. The jailer exploded in a wave of gore and a forceful blast of air. I stood triumphant in the puddle of man that had momentarily threatened to be my foe. The door to my cell stood ajar and I made a most glorious escape! I made for the door that I had been dragged in from and began to seek my uncle.

As I ascended the stairs to the ground floor of my uncles keep, I met a sentry who attempted to bar my passage. I leapt upon his chest before he could brandish his weapon and began to bite at his face, tearing copious amounts of flesh from his cheeks and throat. The sentry proved no match for my powerful mandibles. I stripped a halberd and sword from his corpse and continued my ascent. When I reached the great hall of the ground floor, there was something of a procession passing through. Oblivious to its purpose, I buried the halberd in the chest of the lead maiden and proceeded to run amok for several moments before finding the staircase that I sought. It was unfortunate for several poor souls that they impede my progress, for I raised them above my head, cursed their fathers and cast them to the floor with all the righteous anger that a captured noble might manifest against an enemy. The other inhabitants of the room fled in terror.

I mounted the stairs to the great tower that my uncle resided in running into no trouble as I made my way to the great oak doors that marked the ante-chamber of his bedroom. Standing before the door were the three assassins who had carried me to the castle. The blood-rage that had gripped me only grew more feverish as I grappled with one man, only to throw him through the body of another. The remaining assassin, horrified that I had impaled his comrade with his other comrade attempted to flee, but I was upon him like a gull on the lunch of a young lad, too oblivious to defend his means of sustenance. I tore at his face and threw him through the window of the tower. It was unnecessary to watch him plummet, for there was only hard pavement to meet him several stories below.

After I had dispatched my assassins I burst into the chamber of my uncle. He demanded to know the meaning of said outburst but only began to stammer as I stumbled in, drenched in violence. The man was naked from the waist down and surrounded by pieces of fine art that he was unceremoniously rubbing his genitals on. I was momentarily bewildered by his odd fetish but dismissed it as a madness befit for a man of his treachery. I took several steps into the room, watching him retreat backwards with his awkward erection, now sitting somewhere between half-mast and flaccid, taunting me from beneath his night-shirt. I tried to avert my eyes because it was weird, you now, seeing a family member naked from the waist down; that sort of thing makes me uncomfortable. I really didn't want to tackle him or really even touch him, so I cast an ornate candelabra at his head. The wrought-iron of the piece had the desired effect upon the old bastard in that it struck him in the temple and he collapsed, dead.

Satisfied, I retreated from my uncles chamber and left his fortress. Moments later I put it to the torch and watched it burn to the ground, rancor and all. I had no desire for the treasure he kept hidden in the sub-basements, for I wanted nothing to do with his damnable wealth. The castle slowly slumped beneath its own weight as its wooden supports burned and collapsed. I later forced the village my uncle administered to fill the considerable hole the castle left with earth, sealing up all traces of the fortress. When they finished it was off to the salt mines for the lot of them. I was victorious and ended up absorbing my uncles land into my kingdom.

So, what have we learned from this anecdote? Transgressions must be forcibly punished. I could have simply given my uncle a stern warning after leaving his dungeon, but no! He would not learn from such a thing. Death by candelabra was the only solution. I must insist that similar situations be remedied with the same process.

Heed my advice, dear reader.

A Triumphant Return

Dear readers, please, forgive my lengthy absence.

To initiate my triumphant return, I have a reader request, "How do I get smile girl to go out on a date with me?" I am not sure who the fortunate maiden is that said reader is referring to, but I can make a fairly accurate guess as to what will impress her. It's essentially a three step process:

1. In the past I have mentioned the importance of penile gyrations and thrusting ones pelvis as if to point at the object of your affection and say, "You! I am commanding your attention, act accordingly! You would do well to bear my children and become a part of my household." The motion of the bodies midriff can be mesmerizing; like a charmer with a cobra, you may use it to cast a spell upon young maidens. It is important to link different combination's of thrusts to create an elaborate courting ritual. With your dance you must state your intentions, dominate over any other potential suitors, and, most importantly, impress the maiden. There are three sub-steps to this in the greater three step process that will ensure success:

-Have an important mustache. It is not necessary to grow a mustache, you must merely have an important one in your possession. This might mean having a retainer grow one for you or cutting the upper lip from a man with an exceptional mustache, though it would be a shame to steal such a thing. A mustache is important because it takes away from other deficiencies. I give you Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I as an example:


Have you noticed his hideous facial proportions or hair akin to the worst barbarians of the wilds? I didn't, because I was preoccupied with his curious mustache.

-Wear flashy pants. Flashy pants draw attention to the area you are trying to accentuate. Once again, I give you Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I as an example:

This man is ready to conquer the opposite sex and probably the same sex if he feels up to it.

-Destroy a Turkish army. Destroying a Turkish army will give you a well-needed boost to renown through all of Christendom. If we take Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I as an example again, he destroyed a Turkish army. When dangling your penis inches from your prospective loves face, renown is a powerful ally to have if you would like to guarantee success.

For evidence of the effectiveness of mustaches, flashy pants, and renown from killing Turks, let it be known that despite the generations of inbreeding in his family, which seemed to have created a genetic clusterfuck manifested solely in Leopold himself, the man had three wives, presumably at different points in his life, and seventeen children.

Moving on.

2. Destroy a demon. Years ago my realm was beset with all manners of evil; creatures would descend upon my village to gingerly molest our draft animals and steal our stores of grain. They were the root cause of a horrible famine for the animals did not want to work, having been recently sexually assaulted, and our provisions had been depleted by the thieving demons. Thus, I set off into the woods to find the source of the vile creatures. Deep in the woods I stumbled upon a cottage inhabited by a lonely witch. I went to her and asked, nay, demanded, "Witch, is it you who has been sending all manners of evil into my village?!" Her response was swift, "Indeed! Your people have poisoned the spring from which I draw my water with phosphates and heavy metals from your industry. This is my revenge!" I immediately was thrown into a rage and forced my balled fist down her throat, choking her from the inside like Herakles and the Nemean Lion. When she had ceased struggling, I dragged her corpse back to the town and proclaimed that the forest had been cleansed of evil. The people rejoiced. I commenced "getting my dick wet" as the saying goes, after spotting a fine maiden and gyrating in her immediate vicinity for several minutes.

3. This is perhaps the most important piece of advice on this list: impress the maidens father. Most maidens are not free from the influence of their father, they are merely in a state of waiting to be permitted to enter marriage. When I was pursuing my first wife Ansgarde, I brought her father the broad-sword of a Saxon chieftain I had cut down months earlier on campaign. He kissed me on the mouth and promised his daughter to me. It was really that simple. The marriage did not work out for Ansgarde died whilst birthing my first son, Carlomann, who was extraordinarily large. My family does not like to speak of Carlomann for he was born with a malady of the mind. If one examines his frontal lobe, one will notice that he has the characteristics of a horse thief and the back of his skull indicates an utter lack of morality.

Follow these steps and you will find yourself betrothed before the spring rains bring new life to your fields.

Heed my advice, dear reader.

Unwanted Attraction

Recently, a reader asked me, "What should I do if a woman who I'm not attracted to is attracted to me and she won't leave me alone?"

An excellent question! I have been assailed in the streets on many an occasion by uncouth maidens positively lusting with a fire immolating their loins. They would throw their bodies at my feet and beg for my embrace, grasping at my limbs as I passed. But I will not be tempted by a gaggle of sirens though and neither should you! Promiscuous men and women are a danger to society; they threaten to unravel its very fabric by fornicating with everything in site. What would I say to my brother, father, mother, sister, or even my most beloved canine companion if I intruded upon them engaged in filthy coitus with a stranger? The words escape me because I have not the vocabulary to describe the shame. There are ways to get around this problem though, but each solution is dependent on how dedicated of a pursuer you're dealing with.

In the case of a mild infatuation on the part of your pursuer:

There are several courses of action you might take, some of the active and others of the passive variety. If you are wont to put great amounts of effort into your problems, I would recommend coating your body in feces. Not only is feces readily available, but the stench is pungent and repulsive. I'm sure you're thinking, "But Northfist, my pursuant is of the common rabble, they have spawned from the nether of the peasantry and are thus born into a world of shit and filth. They are no stranger to fecal matter, thus your advice is unusable!" Fortunately there is a solution to this particular woe!

So your body is coated in feces, but you're still the object of someones affection and, because they're used to the smell, they haven't been put off by your repellent. The best course of action would be to surround your domicile with the corpses of plague victims. Preferably, you would also wipe their infected glands upon your person. The rabble is repelled by the plague because they are not favored by God and therefore liable to be afflicted by the illness. Even if a peasant girl desires you at all hours of the day, she would dare not approach someone carrying something that would spell certain death for her. I have never heard of an aristocrat succumbing to the plague, so sleep easy tonight.

But what if your pursuer is not easily shaken? They are obsessed! They have left tokens of their love about your domicile; the corpses of rodents, regurgitated balls of fur, shredded paper and furniture! This requires considerable initiative on the part of the individual being assailed all hours of the day.

If you've read this far, your pursuer is dangerous and must be defended against at all costs. First, I would recommend investing in traps. First and foremost, buy one of these:

Preferably, it would be set-up and hidden at a strategic choke-point. If possible, it would be wise to conceal it under a bed of leaves or perhaps sticks. If you're fortunate, the trap won't take a leg off and your pursuer can simply be left to languish in the sun until they succumb to a variety of wild animals or thirst/hunger. If they do manage to escape from the trap they will likely be enraged and delusional. You must prepare for this eventuality.

Where a leg-trap fails, a pit has a success rate of nearly 100%. They can be a hassle to dig, but it's nothing that one cannot delegate to a team of serfs. Ideally, the end product will look something like this:
As soon as word spreads that you have one of these on your estate, you can be sure that whatever maniacal harpy you have lurking in your shadows will either be swallowed whole and left to rot for a thousand years or will be entirely dissuaded from her carnal quest.

Ah, I have almost forgotten, there was a second part to the initial question! "What if she tricks you into sleeping with her."

This is almost inconceivable, but, dear reader, it can happen! If you have had the misfortune of having intercourse against your will, your best possible action would be to contact the police and press as many charges as are humanly possible. Seriously, that's rape and I'm not going to make jokes about it.

Now here's a picture of a satyr engaged in the act of coitus with a goat. Until next time dear readers, enjoy!

Power

Recently I was asked, "Northfist, how many cubits of weight might you heft?" It was something that I had never pondered before. Often, when I'm oiling my muscles, the only thought crossing my mind is how I could wrestle my fathers strongest mule to the ground and pin it to the earth for several minutes. Never had I considered attempting to lift the mule above my head. I suppose I'm just not disposed to consider such things.

Regardless, I was confronted with a challenge, so I asked the villagers to gather all of the stones in front of the chapel. When they had amassed a pile so large that it was an affront to god himself, I began to go through them, testing the weights of the stones. I instructed the villagers to place the rocks in wicker baskets. Upon completion of this task, I asked them to begin stacking the baskets in my arms. They stacked the baskets in my arms and I stood there straining for eight days and nights, holding the tower of rock-filled, wicker-baskets steady. On the morning of the ninth day I had my fill of holding the wicker baskets, so I dropped them... carelessly. The stones shook the earth and people ran about in absolute terror. Their panic caused several to be trampled to death, although, to be fair, they likely would have died from tuberculosis anyways. I grew tired of bearing witness to mayhem so I left and proceeded to lift carriages, portcullis', draft animals, and all things large and small across the land. I had a problem: I was addicted.

As I was bench-pressing a couple of mares in the middle of a road, an old crone approached me. She told me that if I were to continue lifting the mares, great trouble and hardships would befall me. I construed her comment as a threat and ran her off into the woods. I hope she rots there. I continued to lift the mares above my head, I felt unstoppable. It was several hours later that my first misfortune befell me. I strode through a village with the mares held proudly above my head when I spotted two maidens giggling. It was distracting. I inquired, "Maidens! What is it that you find so humorous? The bulges of my muscles are nothing to be trifled with!" They replied, "Good sir, is your refrigerator running?" I did not know what to make of the comment, the context of the comment was simply unknown to me. But before I could respond, the shorter one blurted,"Sir knight! You best go and catch it!" The two then began to laugh mirthfully at my expense.

I did not know what to make of the situation, the larks were doubling over with laughter. The scene they were causing drew the attention of others who joined the fray. I was utterly humiliated, but I was to have the last laugh! The mare in my right hand was of good breeding so I used her to smash the shorter one until she bled from the eyes. The other merely watched, gasping in horror, so I bashed her as well! The crowd dispersed as I shouted obscenities at them.

I continued on my way, holding the mares high above my head. My unusual profile evidently attracted unwanted attention as a large bird of prey landed upon a tree immediately in front of my person. The bird stared for a moment and then asked me to place the mares upon the ground; I obliged the creature and the mares ran off. The bird then asked me to strip from the waist down; I obliged and my clothing was taken away by the wind. The bird then told me to approach; I obliged and moved forwards. The bird looked me up and down and then asked me to dig a pit, so I began to dig. A fortnight elapsed before the bird asked me to stop and instructed me to fill the pit with gold and jewels. I was so invested in helping the great bird by that point that I figured I might as well finish. I traveled for several lunar cycles before finding the adequate gold and jewels to fill the pit. When the pit was full, the bird squatted upon its summit and released a clutch of eggs. I understood life.

Visual Learning

I would like to introduce this as the first in what will hopefully be a series of epic quests. So here, for your viewing pleasure, is the retelling of a classic, the tales of Space-Man Jesus. I hope you enjoy.

An Evening in Review

It has recently come to my attention that a great deal of literature on the subject of finding a mate exists. So, this evening, I have decided to take it upon myself to peruse and review one of the many sources that one might choose to reflect upon when looking for an amiable spouse.

Tonight, I had the privilege of discovering a tome of information in the way of "The Free Seduction Guide." As I looked through it, I found a section that one might consider valuable titled "The Rules For Picking Up Women." "At last!" thought I, "A codified set of rules composed solely by someone wise in the way of attracting members of the opposite sex!" I saw a little bit of myself in the author in that he has evidently achieved what I have been trying to do for the last few weeks. With that, I delved into the passages, seeking his wisdom.

"While gaming a woman, constantly repeat her name, it will be like music to her ears. For example "Stop trying to seduce me, Jill... I know what you're up to!" instead of "Stop trying to seduce me... I know what you're up to!" To further amplify the potency of this technique, you can even pet name your target, which will create a stronger connection between the two of you and allow you to "stake your claim" on her indirectly."

These are wise words indeed! I am not quite sure what gaming is, so I will assume that it is when one takes the object of his current affection in search of game. Hunting is an intimate experience that I usually reserve for sons, but I suppose bringing a would-be-wife on a trip wouldn't hurt. With that in mind, it would be wise to repeat her name to hold her attention, lest she be struck by a spear meant for a wild boar. Unfortunately, I am not sure what the second sentence means. Hunting trips are no place for seduction; when I hunt, I lust for blood, not intercourse. My whole family could starve if I failed to come home with a healthy carcass. I do understand "staking ones claim" though. This is crucial and I'm glad that author was wise enough to bring it up. You must make sure that the woman has your scent on her. Other men must recognize your musk. They must fear it. The sweat glands are an excellent way to make sure your scent lingers. Rub said glands upon her, make sure you cover the crucial parts of her body that other men are drawn to, such as the cheeks, bosom, legs, and arms.

"Never talk negatively about your life or your job, or anything for that matter (except for your target of interest). Although by nature our motives may be different, women are ultimately searching for a companion, so why would she want to share her life with someone that is not satisfied with their own. Never talk negatively about your ex-girlfriends either, which is a very common mistake because you should never talk about your ex at all."

An excellent piece of advice! No noblewoman wants to hear about a failed harvest or how your uncle was gored to death by a boar when he attempted to take your clumsy aunt on a hunting trip. I disagree with the bolded text though, women are searching for a champion. Make sure to reinforce this point by attacking other men in her honor, preferably whilst on horse-back. I am not quite sure what an "ex" is. If it is referring to a broken marriage, I would also recommend not bringing it up as his majesty the Pope does not condone divorces; you would not anyone to think you impious, or worse, a cuckold. 

"When asked what you plan to do with your life, or what you are currently doing to improve yourself always show great ambition. Women are extremely attracted to ambitious men, because when you explain your high goals and plans for yourself she will be thinking "Maybe this guy will be important someday, or maybe he is already". Women are drawn to the "go getter" type of man, and in turn they shun those who appear to be lazy and lack motivation. You should strive to make everyone, not only women, believe that you are a man who is going places in life."

Yes! I could not have said it better myself! When a woman asks me what I do, I like to stab a servant and tell her that I hunt escaped serfs for all the lords of the realm. I also mention that with this job I take possession of heaps of jewels and gold. Riches no mortal could imagine. The stabbing serves the dual purpose of showing that you are ambitious, so much so that you would keep working even when trying to woo a lovely lady, and that you hold contempt for the lower classes (this is honorable). The riches tell her that you... have riches. It's self-explanatory.

" Never appear to be intimidated by a woman, even if you are scared to death because of her beauty. Beautiful women are accustomed to men being intimidated by them and ONLY find the men who aren't to be attractive. In order to properly seduce a high caliber woman, you need to convey the image that you deal with her type all of the time and that she doesn't impress you at all. Make HER work for YOUR affection, not the other way around!"

I have never been intimidated by a woman; a woman cannot cast a javelin the distance of a furlong. If the woman is beautiful and that, for some reason bothers you, ask her to put a mask on. You should not have to accommodate anyone. That is where this man errs. Why should you have to convince this woman that you "deal with her type all of the time." We're not trying to find presumptuous wenches. 

"Never look at the ground or at your shoes while talking to a woman. This is a sign of insecurity (which women are extremely turned off by) and they will pick up on this immediately, resulting in all of the progress you've made thus far being erased. Your own body language plays a larger role in your overall game than you might think, so it would be wise to always have the positive, confident posture of an alpha male at all times."

Ah! Another significant mistake. When I was on campaign in Saxony, I had a friend who refused to look down, so great was his pride. As we were marching one day, the foolish bastard stepped into a trap and lost the lower half of his leg. At that moment, we were attacked by the foul Saxons and he had his head caved in by a mace minutes into the battle. If only the fool had watched where he was going. Searching the ground is a sign that you're constantly wary of traps set by others. It would be of any woman's benefit to take interest in you.

"Knowledge is power. Always listen to and observe everything, including other's conversations. If you take the time to observe a woman before you approach her, you may notice something she is doing, wearing or talking about which in-a-way "tells you" what to say when you try to spark up a conversation with her. It is a common myth that in order to be successful you need to approach a woman immediately once you've seen her. Once your skills have evolved you will easily be able to think of unique openers to use impromptu in the field, but during your journey of skill development it is much more important to plan your moves properly than it is to act upon impulse. Take baby steps and give yourself room to grow, this is not an overnight process."

What does this fool take me for? I am no spy, if I want information from a woman, I shall ask. I am no knave, silently stalking a woman as I stalk a deer in the woods. I don't understand these problems that the youth are having striking up conversations with women. The average conversation should go as such:

Myself: "Greetings fair maiden"

Maiden: "Hail"

Myself: "It would be my honor if I could fight as your champion in the tournament tomorrow. Many men will feel the cold steel of my blade for your love."

Maiden: *Swoon* "My lord, of course!"

Problem solved and without any "observation" might I add.

"This is a no-brainer: Never call the next day. You will appear to be desperate with nothing better to do. You want to project that you are "in demand" and that you are busy, which will make you seem exciting, fun and mysterious. If you game a woman effectively during your initial meeting with her, chances are you won't need to call her at all because she'll call you first. On that note, it would be wise to always exchange numbers with a woman rather than only getting one from her. This is easily done by handing her your cell phone and telling her to put her number in it, then once she's finished you simply call her immediately so she has your number as well."

Let a woman call upon me? Do not call the next day? What kind of trash is this? What in Gods name is a "cell phone"? 

"Never try to impress a woman by telling her about the things that you own or the stuff you have done. If you do so, you will come off as bragging, which is most definitely not something that women find attractive in a man. Actions speak much louder than words, so it is in your best interest to SHOW her why you are someone of high social status."

How will a woman know if I am worthy of her love if I do not tell her about my vast land-holdings and the many victories in battle that I have achieved?

Warning: It was at this point that I began to feel that perhaps the advice this man was giving me was utterly foolish. I am afraid this is going to cause my impartiality to falter.

"SMILE. Remember to smile constantly; while your talking, while your listening, while your doing just about anything. I can not stress this rule enough, smiling is the most powerful weapon in any player's arsenal. It let's the women know that your probably a fun guy to be around and someone they would like to know or be involved with. This single rule alone can improve your success with women by over 100%, use it wisely. Smiling builds comfort and rapport with women, which are both necessary aspects of seduction and will be your downfall if they are neglected. However, don't overdo your smiling and walk around like your face is stuck that way, it's creepy. Smile enough to be viewed as approachable and likeable, but only in appropriate amounts."

Dearest reader, I have significant gripes with this. Walking about with a smile upon your face, even if you don't look "creepy", makes you look like an ass. What does one have to smile about? Are you glad that typhoid took your sister instead of you? Have you inherited many head of sheep from your dying father? It's irrelevant, your goal is to win a spouse, not flash your teeth at women. If you want to prove that you're (note my proper use of "you are") "fun" hold a banquet. A sumptuous feast will do more than a silly smile ever will. My other problem is with the mans mathematics. Surely, he must be aware that if smiling increased your chances with a woman by 100%, all of his other tips are redundant. What's the point of risking ones life slaying another man in one-on-one combat if you have perfect chances of winning the affection of a fair maiden with a mere smile? There is no point.

I think it is high time that I break off of this review. These ideas are poisonous and I would not recommend them to any sane man.

All of this information was pulled from "becomeaplayer.com" which may possibly be the most unfortunate url on the whole of the internet. Forgive me for breaking character, I don't want to be sued for not citing my source.

Heirs

I am making good on a promise that I made in my initial introduction, that is, I mentioned that I would impart wisdom about how to choose an heir. Indeed, I am skipping several steps; wedding etiquette, fornication, etc. They will be covered later, but I feel that right now  I have to cover selecting an heir.

I have yet to force my main wife to bear a child intended to succeed me. I can't stand children, their voices are of a certain frequency that my brain cannot process the information that they spew, rather my senses degrade, I spiral into madness and begin stomping out fires. It is my understanding that my particular reaction to the voice of a child is rather irrational and cannot have formed to serve any useful purpose. With that said, I do realize the importance of an heir. When I die, I need the land tracts of the Godslayer family to be passed on to someone worthy, for if it were annexed by the porcine sodomite living several leagues to the south, my soul would weep for eternity. Outlined here is the optimum means to churn out a worthy heir:

An heir needs to be strong and groomed for the position from birth. You need to understand that a rigorous process goes into not just picking an heir, but bringing him (yes, I said, "him," deal with it) up properly. The process begins as the baby is passing out of your good ladies vagina-good-times-life-tunnel.

It is important to release a hen in the room; if it is attracted to the after-birth, you must cast a dagger at the child. If the dagger strikes the child and death follows, you will need to make your wife conceive again. If the dagger misses the child, you may permit the child to live, but only begrudgingly. At the age of 2, place the toddler at the bottom of a dried well, if they escape, continue the process, if they do not and die in the well, you must make your wife conceive again. If the child blocks or grasps the dagger, continue the process. If a fawn can run minutes after birth, a good baby should be able to block a dagger within the same time span.

If the hen is not attracted to the after-birth, your baby has been born under good auspices. You should continue the process of raising the child, unless the released hen suffers from a cardiovascular disease. In which case, you ought to seat the child between two stones shaped like St. Augustine,16 hours after birth. You must withhold nourishment from the child for the next 20 hours, if the child is still alive after that time has elapsed, then he has indeed been born under good auspices.

At the age of four, strip your child down to his loincloth and send him into the woods. He must come back with the head of a full-grown boar (the child in the picture is there merely for scale purposes, my wife did not allow such a foul, presumably overweight, youth to creep from the depths of her loins, clad in horizontal stripes and an unbecoming hat).

If the child fails to return, you must make your wife conceive again. If the child returns with the head of an adolescent boar, chastise the child. Withhold nourishment for 20 hours and then send him back into the woods to bring back the head of a full-grown boar. When the child returns with the trophy, reward him with with a cord of wood and continue the process of raising the child.

At the age of five, you must test the mental fortitude of your child. In the dead of night, enter his room, cast stones and mathematical problems at his sleeping form. When he has solved the problems and cleaned the stones, retire for the evening. The following week, enter his room again at the same time. Begin casting stones, but this time accompany the stones with word-puzzles and riddles. When he has solved the word puzzles and riddles, retire for the night. The next week, enter his room, again, in the dead of night, but, instead of casting stones, remove the child from the room and place him in your cellar. Leave the child there for a fortnight. Feed him only fungus, let him ascertain which are toxic and edible. After a fortnight, if the child still stirs, remove him from the cellar and continue the process of raising him. If the child has perished, you must make you wife conceive again.

At the age of eight, your child should be able to bench press at least 150 pounds and do 50 push-ups in a minute (that's not even a push-up per second). If your child cannot do this, he must be abandoned in the desert and you must make your wife conceive again.

At the age of ten, your child must meet your enemy in combat for the first time. He must bring you the signet ring of your opposing lord, the ears of his bishop, the scalps of his children, the uterus of his finest mare, and the finest family crest he can locate. The ring is prove he defeated your enemy. The ears of the bishop to prove he destroyed the enemy of the true Church. The scalps of his children to prove that he can destroy the heirs of another. And the uterus of a fine mare for the realms necromancers to concoct spells to tell the future. On his return, he must face ordeal by fire. Allow him to place his hand into the hearth of a fire, when he retracts it unscathed, he is surely a worthy heir. If he retracts it with a severe burn, he must be abandoned in the desert and you must make your wife conceive again.

At twelve, you must battle your child. If you have raised him properly, the child should defeat you and take your place as head of the family.

It's the only way.

Heed my advice, young reader.