Now I shall recount a recent brush with death and pretend that there have been absolutely no breaches in continuity with this journal dedicated to finding spouses/fornication.
I was laying upon my straw mattress when I fell through the floor and smashed into a glass structure. I was immediately set upon by a group of creatures sporting bizarre masks and grotesquely deformed bodies. I shan't recall too much of the horror as I run the risk of delving into a state of catatonia. The figures advanced on me and then vanished into nothingness. I had no means with which to speculate when they would reappear, or if that were a possibility.
An owl spoke to me in its strange language as I pondered the chances of being run through by one of these disappearing creatures that disturbed my sleep. The owls size was remarkable. Indeed, I remarked upon it. I called out, "Owl, thou art of a great size, what dost thou want of mine person?" The owl blinked twice and spoke back to me, "Mortal, by what sorcery do you perceive my language? Only my kith are capable of rendering this tongue usable, certainly, you must be descended of like blood." I informed the owl that it was unlikely, as a common ancestor between man and owl would have to go back many eons. Furthermore, it seemed likely that I was suffering from some sort of head trauma that merely made me think that I was having a conversation with some variety of sage owl.
The owl laughed at me. Under normal circumstances I would have taken this as an affront to my honor and run it through with my sword. Unfortunately, I lacked my sword and was still in a state of disorientation. The owls laugh continued to boom, filling the otherwise soundless air around me. It took me a considerable amount of time to decide whether the owl was a figment of my imagination, and if I possessed the ability to transform a thought into a tangible being capable of laughter and coherent speech. It seemed improbable, but I went with it.
After some time the owls laughter began to ebb into something of a giggle. I requested that the owl refrain from laughing in the future, he requested that I enter him. I was not sure if there was some innuendo in his desire for my entrance, but I obliged him by entering his body. It was spacious enough, there was room for one to outstretch ones arms to full length whilst still standing erect. I could not communicate with the owl from the inside, unfortunately. Yet, after several moments of observing the interior of the beasts body, I felt that it had taken flight.
I was not sure what type of bio-luminescence kept the interior of the owl lit. I could tell that it was a living creature, but I could not decide what kind of creature is capable of transporting a human being in its body without dying. It didn't make any sense, until I remembered that certain demons have the ability to transform their bodies into improbable shapes. This realization brought a wave of panic upon me. I had been coaxed into entering the body of a demon and was now being taken to places unknown, captive. In my state of panic, I threw myself against the side of the bird and began to gnaw upon its insides. I tore flesh from the walls like a starving man gorges upon a sumptuous feast. As the lining of my cell came apart I found equal parts of suet and muscle concealed beneath something of a thick membrane lining the walls. I clawed at with my fingers and gnawed it to pieces with my teeth.
Clearly my attempts to escape were causing the owl discomfort. It's flying became erratic as it tried to cope with my tearing through its flesh. Before I could force my way through the final layer of skin, the bird crashed clumsily. It probably died, I couldn't give a fuck. When I regained the composure that the crash knocked out of me, I got to my feet, ready to continue ripping my way out of the bird. Yet, as I was about to resume my task, a gentle voice called from behind me. I recognized her as a woman, which she attested to, but I could see hideous fur-covered legs that terminated in hoofs. She attempted to seduce me, but I would not be swayed (I was fairly certain this had happened before), so she placed me under a sort of trance. She knocked me upon my back, and jumped astride my chest, straddling me. The blow must have broken the trance, which brought on a wave of intense pain. Much as I had used my fingers to claw at the insides of the owl, the demon was scratching at my chest, taking bits of flesh away with her talons. I moved to block her claws with my forearm, but she just opened it up as well. Oh, how the blood flowed. I had only seconds to reconcile myself with imminent death when I did something unexpected. I forced the open wounds on my arm into her mouth, forcing the blood that was rapidly exiting my body into her throat. Despite her tenacity, the demon began to choke on the sanguine fluid and soon expired.
I bound my wounds in the clothing that she wore and tore her arms from their sockets; their sharp claws allowed me to cut through the remaining layers of owl as a sword cuts through the wicker-shield of the desert infidels. As I left the owl carcass, I was overcome by my wounds and fell to the ground, unconscious.
I awoke in a dimly lit room with several blurry figures milling about my bed. I was intrigued by them, that is until I noticed the glint of steel out of the corner of my eye. I gripped the handle of what turned out to be a blade of moderate length and swung it about my head. I may have been grievously wounded, but I felt invigorated by the sharp steel. The figures about me suddenly backed away in alarm shouting that they were, "Just trying to help me," or that "I would have died if not for their help." It was demonic nonsense. Clearly they had healed me with witchcraft. Had my wounds been as serious as they claimed, I'd still be bedridden and not swinging a weapon. I charged at a couple that were standing beside one another. My vision was still not functioning as well as it had in the past, so I swung the sword broadly to make sure I didn't miss. Evidently my aim was true, for I felt a warm spray of liquid cover my face. One of the other figures screamed most woman-like. I don't know what became of said figure. I flung a chair in its direction and the noise stopped. The two others fled from the house by means of a door and I pursued.
The outdoors were bright. I swung at something to my left. It may or may not have been living and/or a draft animal. I think I struck it's face and it probably died. The poor state of my vision was alarming and disconcerting me. I swung a second time at something else, I guess. I don't think it was a draft animal, a person, or a water fowl. Any guess would really just be speculation at this point. At any rate, the two figures from the house were nowhere to be found, so I walked down what I assumed to be a road. I deduced this because it was coated in gravel, rather than grass. It cut my feet up and generally sucked.
By nightfall my vision had returned and realized that I was apparently naked. It was horrifying to think about the weird junk that might have been done to my butt while I was asleep after murdering that demon. That said, there weren't any particularly sharp pains inside of me that indicated sodomy or even gentle exploration. What's more is when I looked at what I thought was a blade clutched in my right hand, I realized it was a stalk of fennel, rigid and sharp as exotic, eastern steel. I lamented, "What malediction has afflicted me, a man simply desirous of gentle sleep? Why have I been cruelly torn from my slumber and ejected into a bewildering realm of avian abominations?"
A small woodland creature answered me thusly, "Northfist, you have angered the great goddess, you must go to her as a supplicant, prostrate yourself on the grounds in front of her altar, and eat a whole bunch of dirt." Clearly, this was bullshit. I told the creature to fuck right off if he or she knew what was good for him or her. It laughed at my attempt to be inclusive of both genders and split in twain, with the second half retaining the exact form of the first. The pair took up the laugh that the original had formerly used against me, except the laugh was clearly an octave higher. The two then made a second split and there were four, laughing in an even higher range. This process continued for several moments as the area in front of my filled with a veritable choir of laughing woodland creatures. The laugh ceased to register in my ears as the octaves moved out of my ability to hear them. The animals were merely gaping at me with open mouths and squinted eyes. What was alarming were the sheer numbers of critters that had materialized before me. I could not possibly stomp fast enough to kill them all. Fortunately, an answer presented itself in the form of predatory rodents akin to weasels that had stalked up behind the hysterical creatures. Much blood was spilled before me.
As I watched, a hand gripped me from behind and pulled me into the tree line. I was hastily dragged through the trees and into a clearing. A handsome home had been erected there. The hand that grasped me was not of the disembodied variety, in fact it clearly belonged to the body of a young woman. She gestured towards the home, presumably wanting me to enter. I was intrigued and had clearly learned nothing from my debacle with the giant owl. I opened the front door and was greeted by several rows of beds. The young woman entered from behind, shut the door, and moved towards one of the beds a couple of rows away. She pointed at the body laying in the bed and motioned for me to approach. As I came closer, I realized that the figure in the bed was familiar. It was a man, with a mustache and jaw line much like my very own. Indeed, the resemblance was uncanny, my very own mother would not be able to differentiate between myself and this... clone.
My decision making process had been seemingly impaired for the last several hours, but one thing became immediately clear to me, there could be only one! I lifted the fennel stalk high above my head and brought it crashing into the chest of my impostor. The stalk slapped uselessly against the body, turning flaccid as it struck ribs. The young woman shook her head in disapproval but didn't say anything, which was irritating. I berated her with cruel insults, hoping that she would indicate what she wanted of me. She merely stood there impassive. It was really frustrating, but I didn't need a weapon to kill my sleeping clone. I bent over and began to crush its windpipe with my strong hands. The woman continued to display disapproval but refused to intervene. Yet, I could feel no life beneath my hands, indeed, I had not felt it from the very start. It was as if I were throttling a corpse. As I stopped, the woman nodded, moved to my left and exposed a concealed door. Once again, she gestured for me to enter and I obliged.
Beyond the door was a great stone wall with a face projected upon it. The features were androgynous, but it spoke unto me, "Northfist, would you like to know the time of your death?" I had heard of these things before. You pay a gold florin and they guess your weight or perhaps the date of your birth. I spoke thusly, "I am not interested in falling prey to your ploy, do you take me for a fool? I have been around long enough to realize when a man or apparition is trying to loosen my purse strings!" The apparition was momentarily bewildered but shot back an unpleasant response, "How dare you speak to me thusly? I am a god! I have no use for your gold, I merely asked if you would like to know a secret regarding the end of your life? But, you have offended me. I shall give no information!"
I was pissed. If this were a god, he would have known that I wasn't interested in the details of my eventual death. I knew that I would die peacefully after a furious bout of lovemaking and after slaying my mortal enemies. I didn't need a god to tell me this. Yet here this thing was, being a dick. I was all, "Fuck this shit," and knocked a brazier over. The priestess finally broke her silence and began to scream about the flames that were beginning to consume the inside of her secret chamber. She was hysterical and had obviously never been inside a burning building before. I told her to calm down or else I wouldn't be willing to help her. To make a long story short, she didn't calm down, so I left.
Then I came here. And that's why I'm not wearing any clothes right now.
